Above The Fruited Plain: Vandals Bolster American Sentiment

Lincoln, NE – A new fad has taken root in the graveyard enthusiast community; tired old headstones are getting a facelift.  Volunteers with a local group are sneaking into cemeteries all over the city in the dead of night to paint the monuments with bright colors and add cheerful decorations. 

“We just feel that the grey monolith has run its course.” says Lemonn Gentworth, president of the Graveyard Rejuvinators International: Midwest, otherwise known as GRIM.  “There’s no reason people looking at a cemetery should ever be reminded of death, and nothing says “death” like ugly grey rocks sticking up out of the ground.  With a little paint and maybe some tasteful dolphin figurines, cemeteries might become a place so removed from the awful stigma of death that you could host a toddler’s birthday party, or have a bat mitten tourney, or sell puppies to homeless people, or whatever.  The possibilities are really endless.”   To date, Gentworth and his volunteers have “colorfied” (the official GRIM term) about 100 graves in and around Lincoln, with plans to move on about 250 more. 

While it should be noted that these activities are viewed as vandalism under the law (punishable by death in North Korea) and there has been some outcry from concerned citizens, PFN News spoke to at least one man who welcomed the change.  I visited Jarvis Wayne II on the back porch of his humble farmhouse on the outskirts of town, overlooking his neighbor’s fields, and the family graveyard that lies just beyond the white picket fence around the backyard.  “Well I was actually pretty shocked at first.”  Wayne told me. “I just woke up one morning and saw all of my ancestors had a coat of yellow paint on the headstones.  I called my preacher just to make sure you know, there wasn’t anything untoward about it, you know with the dead and all that.  And then I called the hospital to make sure they would tell those ambulance helicopter pilots that I did not have a landing pad in my back yard, what with the yellow and all.  After that, the more I thought about it, I guess it was really OK.  I think Grandpa Jarvis might even have liked it, you know with the yellow and all.”

Indeed as we sipped iced tea on the back porch, this reporter could not help but appreciate a scene as American as any.  The sun setting on the horizon, illuminating the Amber Graves of Wayne. 

PFN News – Steve Dbrockavitch

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Wisdom from Ransom Langley

Contributed by Scud Langley

Somewhere in East Texas – Occasionally my uncle, Ransom Langley will offer his thoughts on current events and give his wisdom and insight into which direction our country should go.  In the area of the current debt crisis, he had this to say:

I used to know this guy down south of Kirbyville who’d give a man a nickel apiece for nutria rats.  Now back in those days, you could take nutria rats down to the courthouse and get 3 cents a quarter-weight.  A man that would give 5 cents apiece was hurtin’ pretty bad for some nutria rats so me and my brothers were more than happy to take his money.  Anyway, this one time while I was heading down to the banks of the Neches river to rustle up a few nutria rats, I spotted a guy sitting on a bucket with a raccoon in his lap.  I spotted a purple Crown Royal pouch in the coon’s hand so I asked the man,

“Excuse me, mister.  What do you figure that coon’s got in that satchel.”

He replied,

“Don’t know.  Haven’t asked him.”

A coon had swiped my daddy’s tobacco off the back porch a few weeks prior and I figured the odds of finding another coon with such a pouch were pretty slim.  I asked the man,

“If you don’t mind, I’d like to ask that coon a few questions about his satchel.  A similar lookin’ coon stole my daddy’s tobacco and I’ve been looking for him ever since.”

He was more than happy to oblige because stealing a man’s tobacco in those days was a shootin’ offense.  As I started over his way, he jumped up in a yaupon bush and threw the pouch into the river.  Now you don’t just stand there and watch your daddy’s tobacco float down the river without doing something about it and I knew my daddy wouldn’t be too happy to find out his tobacco went swimming downstream while I stood there like a slack-jawed idiot.  I quickly dropped my trousers and dove in after it.  When I finally got it ashore, I opened it up and to my surprise found 2 squirrel pelts and a bottle of Epsom salt.  I asked the man,

“Now, if he knew there wasn’t any tobacco in that bag, why did he go on and toss it into the river when I came at him?”

The man replied,

“Well, you know how squirrel pelts get.  If you don’t keep ’em moist and rub in Epsom salt every couple of days, you might as well forget about making a good coin purse.  Ol’ Rusty here was afraid you were gonna take his squirrel pelts and let ’em get all dried out.  I can’t say I blame him the way you were carrying on.”

I didn’t make much money that day.

– Ransom Langley

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Bear Maulings Sweep PFN News Headquarters

Contributed by Scud Langley

Broken Bow, OK – A rash of severe injuries have plagued PFN News Headquarters in the past two months, leaving employees scratching their heads.  Several have been treated for lacerations and deep bruises and many have threatened to quit.  Ted Mosely, chief editor of offline content had this to say:

We’re all confused and saddened by these recent events.  Doctors say the injuries are consistent with bear maulings, but no bear maulings have been authorized by PFN News or any of its subsidiaries.  We intend to hire a very expensive private investigator to get to the bottom of this issue.

This issue remains, as of yet, unresolved.

In other news, playground equipment has been added to our onsite bear range so employees can bring their children during lunch.

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Re: Print – PFN NEWS GOES HARD COPY

contributed by Steve Dbrockavitch

Broken Bow, OK – At a time when most “news” organizations are moving all of their content to the digital world, PFN News plans to spin convention on its head and release a print edition starting in 2014.

“It’s a natural progression really.”

says PFN News Co-Founder, Co-CEO, and Executive Vice President of Content, Steve Dbrockavitch in a statement released Monday. PFN News was unable to obtain the text of the statement, but we did receive a handwritten outline of the statement, with all of the content redacted except the above quote, and the cassette tape used by Mr. Dbrockavitch’s personal amanuenses to transcribe the statement, but were unable to print any of this material as they were “off the record.”

However, for the purposes of this article, we rummaged through the garbage and found several sheets from a legal pad which led us to believe the print edition of PFN News will consist of two cost effective forms.

1. Graffiti in major metropolitan markets will be whitewashed and subsequently covered with PFN News content. This will include but not be limited to railcars, overpasses, bathroom walls and vehicles with dust on the back windows.
2. For our rural readers who will not encounter the graffiti, we will ask them to print PFN News content onto standard printer paper and read it from the comfort of their easy chair, chaise lounge, futon, or any piece of furniture.

Only time will tell how quickly other “news” “organizations” will jump on this bandwagon, however, the results of a recent PFN News office poll predict 2 to 50 years.

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Bear range opening at PFN News Headquarters

Contributed by Scud Langley

Though rife with financial woes, on occasion, PFN News is able to spoil its employees with new on-site amenities to compliment the already popular gun range and trampoline stations.  Though stuck in sub-committee for the past 3 years and never green-lit by the Texas Parks & Wildlife Association, it is my great pleasure to announce that beginning next week, our on-site bear range will be open and fully accessible to all associates currently or formerly employed by PFN News.

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What is a bear range, you ask?  And what do you do at a bear range?  Both are certainly legitimate questions.

Above, you’ll notice our first resident, Vince Vaughn.  He was captured out of the Kentucky Land Reservoir and Rose Emporium where he was tranquilized and then transported in the back of a 1978 Chevrolet pickup under a tarp to our headquarters.  There was a slight scare when Reynaldo was pulled over for a missing tail light but the state trooper never bothered to look under the tarp and we were on our way to having that bear range everyone has dreamed of.

Now that the PFN News Headquarters Bear Range and Youpon Emporium is fully functional, we will have to say goodbye to copy editor Erick Nance whose office we had to bulldoze to make way for the 237 acres of open bear country necessary for Vince Vaughn to roam uninhibited.  Mr. Nance’s office wasn’t located on the bear range, but the backhoe we rented to dig a hole for Vince to play in accidentally knocked a hole in his wall during transit and we didn’t have to funds to rebuild the 10×10 shed he was working in.

We wish Erick all the best in his future endeavors.

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Little Rock looking to make a big splash

Contributed by Scud Langley

As has become the current trend, many companies are attempting to re-brand their product with hip new logos that include lower case letters and apostrophes and hip lingo that says to today’s generation, hey bros, you should totally check out our product.

Not to be outdone, Little Rock, Arkansas is considering a change to their name in order to bring in young hipsters that will jazz up the place.  Though not set in stone, the city council is currently considering a change from Little Rock to lil’ rok.  Local councilman Ted Drummond had this to say:

Little Rock has been a great name for our city in the past but we had to ask ourselves; how can we get that key 18-34 demographic interested in a middle-of-the-road city in Arkansas?  At first we considered creating a city park where we would display all of the littlest rocks we could find in the surrounding area to promote public interest.  When we realized that idea was completely moronic (not to mention the thought of vandalism with all those tiny rocks), we instead consulted a 40-year-old teacher from Hot Springs to get some insight into the younger generation’s mind.  We found out later that she was only a 3rd grade teacher but we figured why not?  You don’t live more than twice or something, as the kids say these days.  Nonetheless, she advised us on changing the name to lil’ rok because, you know, that’s what kids are into nowadays so we agreed.  We plan on putting the name change up to a vote next week in order for the public to have a say.

It is unclear at this time whether or not the name change will go into effect but the general manager of the local Hot Topic store seemed encouraged and/or apathetic.  We couldn’t really tell.

Editors note: The original posting of this story included an almost complete misprint of councilman Drummond’s statement where not only was the council’s original idea incorrect, but the mention of the firing and subsequent rehiring of 4 city workers apparently never occurred.  Our field office in Little Rock had originally given us the correct quote that is seen here, but a guy from Branson, Missouri who happened to be in town gave us the additional information that was initially posted and our official policy is to not question statements from Branson.  Turns out, the guy was actually from nearby Eureka Springs, Arkansas.  Our official policy is to question all statements from Eureka Springs but our dialect expert apparently mistook his obvious Eureka Springs drawl for a Branson twang which led to the whole ordeal.  Since our dialect expert is PFN News co-founder Scud Langley, no disciplinary action was deemed necessary.  The story has been corrected.

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Futuristic Glasses on the Horizon

Contributed by Scud Langley

In recent weeks, Google has announced the fast approaching release of their new product, the Google Glass.  Though this has been a hot topic in the media as of late, and although PFN News is a media organization of sorts, we have been unable to obtain an interview with any of the actual developers.

A relatively genuine attempt was made to contact Google to discuss the issue, but apparently nobody in our organization knew their contact number.  A rather thorough search of the local phone book was conducted, but apparently Google does not list their phone number in the McCurtain County phone book.  And since our accounts payable department forgot to pay our email domain bill the past few months, we have been unable to send and receive emails (it was determined that Steve’s personal email address [ThereBeTwelveMuskrat@verizon.net] should not be used for professional purposes).

Since nobody with Google could be contacted, our IT guy, Bart Silas was asked to comment instead:

Yea, so I think basically it’s gonna be like Robocop except it doesn’t come with auto aiming.  From what I can tell, it’ll kinda be like a mixture of Robocop and Duck Hunt*.  Because, you know, you still had to manually point that light gun at the TV for the Nintendo to figure out which duck you were shooting at…

This is the only known image PFN News has of the product:

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*Our readers should know that there is no known official compatibility between the new Google glasses and Duck Hunt.

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