Archive for category Worldview

Trans-ient Food Labels on the Outs

Contributed by Scud Langley

Washington D.C. – On Friday, the Food and Drug Administration released a statement concerning language standards in their labeling practices in response to the changing social tides since the coming out party of the former Bruce Jenner.  Though food labels and descriptions have rarely been the cause of controversy, the FDA has decided that it will no longer refer to trans fats as “trans” fats.  In a press conference explaining the recent change, spokesman Donald Murskey had this to say:

“Look, we all know that words and labels can have not only a harmful effect on the margins of society, but can also contribute to insensitivity on the part of those who have no idea that their callous use of language can lead to the “otherism” of… others.  Since we know that in the past, we have unwittingly played a small part in this barbarism, we at the Food and Drug Administration have decided that the term “trans fats” brings with it a negative stigma that we do not wish to carry over to the trans-movement at large.  As such, effective Monday, any and all labels and descriptions containing the words “trans fats” will be replaced with an as-yet-to-be-determined description that we feel will more accurately describe the fats without ostracizing a very very large portion of our communities.  We will also begin the arduous task of combing through any and all past references to this lipid and will begin scrubbing the now hateful words from memory for the sake of our future.  We just want to make sure we’re on the right side of history on this, and since we will be effectively changing history, there will only be 1 side anyway so it’s a win-win.”

The descriptions that are currently in the running to replace “trans fats” are currently “negative fats”, “sad fats”, and simply “fatty acids”.  Since the publication of these choices, however, some uproar has arisen from the slam poetry community, the gothic community, and the plus size community who believe that these new descriptions could possibly bring with them some negative connotations towards their movements as well.  Several petitions have been brought forth on and small protests have been formed in various cities in response to these new descriptions.

As of publication, no decision has been made on which description will be used moving forward and a simple solution does not look to be in sight.


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Wisdom from Ransom Langley

Contributed by Scud Langley

Somewhere in East Texas – Occasionally my uncle, Ransom Langley will offer his thoughts on current events and give his wisdom and insight into which direction our country should go.  In the area of the current debt crisis, he had this to say:

I used to know this guy down south of Kirbyville who’d give a man a nickel apiece for nutria rats.  Now back in those days, you could take nutria rats down to the courthouse and get 3 cents a quarter-weight.  A man that would give 5 cents apiece was hurtin’ pretty bad for some nutria rats so me and my brothers were more than happy to take his money.  Anyway, this one time while I was heading down to the banks of the Neches river to rustle up a few nutria rats, I spotted a guy sitting on a bucket with a raccoon in his lap.  I spotted a purple Crown Royal pouch in the coon’s hand so I asked the man,

“Excuse me, mister.  What do you figure that coon’s got in that satchel.”

He replied,

“Don’t know.  Haven’t asked him.”

A coon had swiped my daddy’s tobacco off the back porch a few weeks prior and I figured the odds of finding another coon with such a pouch were pretty slim.  I asked the man,

“If you don’t mind, I’d like to ask that coon a few questions about his satchel.  A similar lookin’ coon stole my daddy’s tobacco and I’ve been looking for him ever since.”

He was more than happy to oblige because stealing a man’s tobacco in those days was a shootin’ offense.  As I started over his way, he jumped up in a yaupon bush and threw the pouch into the river.  Now you don’t just stand there and watch your daddy’s tobacco float down the river without doing something about it and I knew my daddy wouldn’t be too happy to find out his tobacco went swimming downstream while I stood there like a slack-jawed idiot.  I quickly dropped my trousers and dove in after it.  When I finally got it ashore, I opened it up and to my surprise found 2 squirrel pelts and a bottle of Epsom salt.  I asked the man,

“Now, if he knew there wasn’t any tobacco in that bag, why did he go on and toss it into the river when I came at him?”

The man replied,

“Well, you know how squirrel pelts get.  If you don’t keep ’em moist and rub in Epsom salt every couple of days, you might as well forget about making a good coin purse.  Ol’ Rusty here was afraid you were gonna take his squirrel pelts and let ’em get all dried out.  I can’t say I blame him the way you were carrying on.”

I didn’t make much money that day.

– Ransom Langley

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Little Rock looking to make a big splash

Contributed by Scud Langley

As has become the current trend, many companies are attempting to re-brand their product with hip new logos that include lower case letters and apostrophes and hip lingo that says to today’s generation, hey bros, you should totally check out our product.

Not to be outdone, Little Rock, Arkansas is considering a change to their name in order to bring in young hipsters that will jazz up the place.  Though not set in stone, the city council is currently considering a change from Little Rock to lil’ rok.  Local councilman Ted Drummond had this to say:

Little Rock has been a great name for our city in the past but we had to ask ourselves; how can we get that key 18-34 demographic interested in a middle-of-the-road city in Arkansas?  At first we considered creating a city park where we would display all of the littlest rocks we could find in the surrounding area to promote public interest.  When we realized that idea was completely moronic (not to mention the thought of vandalism with all those tiny rocks), we instead consulted a 40-year-old teacher from Hot Springs to get some insight into the younger generation’s mind.  We found out later that she was only a 3rd grade teacher but we figured why not?  You don’t live more than twice or something, as the kids say these days.  Nonetheless, she advised us on changing the name to lil’ rok because, you know, that’s what kids are into nowadays so we agreed.  We plan on putting the name change up to a vote next week in order for the public to have a say.

It is unclear at this time whether or not the name change will go into effect but the general manager of the local Hot Topic store seemed encouraged and/or apathetic.  We couldn’t really tell.

Editors note: The original posting of this story included an almost complete misprint of councilman Drummond’s statement where not only was the council’s original idea incorrect, but the mention of the firing and subsequent rehiring of 4 city workers apparently never occurred.  Our field office in Little Rock had originally given us the correct quote that is seen here, but a guy from Branson, Missouri who happened to be in town gave us the additional information that was initially posted and our official policy is to not question statements from Branson.  Turns out, the guy was actually from nearby Eureka Springs, Arkansas.  Our official policy is to question all statements from Eureka Springs but our dialect expert apparently mistook his obvious Eureka Springs drawl for a Branson twang which led to the whole ordeal.  Since our dialect expert is PFN News co-founder Scud Langley, no disciplinary action was deemed necessary.  The story has been corrected.

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