Archive for category The Animal Kingdom
East Lansing, MI – A bank heist was pulled off on Tuesday using only the power of the animal kingdom. A man reportedly walked into the Third Bank and Trust in the five hundred block of Taft Avenue in East Lansing, with a blinded falcon on his forearm, and demanded that the clerk give him the contents of three specific safe deposit boxes, registered to Peter Pan, Archie Bunker, and Linus van Pelt, respectively.
According to the clerk, a Ms. Abigail Cartwright, when she asked to see some identification, the unmasked man said, “I think this will suffice” gesturing to the falcon. Then, when she tried to call a manager to see what the bank’s policy on using birds of prey as identification, the robber reached over the counter, took the phone out of her hand, and began to make threats. As recounted by Ms. Cartwright, and confirmed by surveillance video, the alleged thief launched into a soliloquy, in which he threatened to, “release the unfettered fury of this mighty beast on the very soul of this establishment.” Which fury, he said, would, “render this building into a pile of rubble indistinguishable from any pile of rubble anywhere in the world, and you will find yourselves in solidarity with men and women weeping over those piles of rubble, as you weep over this one. Some of you may be familiar with the capacity of the Peregrine Falcon’s ability to raze a building before you can remember if the moon will be waxing or waning this evening, but I’ll wager most of you are not so familiar as you shall soon be. As you look on in disbelief, in horror, indeed possibly even in macabre fascination, this fell beast will tear at the fabric of this structure in such a way that it’s designer will feel a pain in his bowels. This bird will ensure that I get satisfaction, I will exact my pound of flesh.”
As he was speaking, someone returned from the back with the boxes, each of which apparently containing exactly one third of a pound of raw ground Emu. The man then swept the contents of the boxes into a canvas bag labeled, “Luncheon Meat,” bid everyone in the room a “good eve,” and walked out, calmly fleeing the scene in a renovated school bus.
Police have asked if anyone has any information on the whereabouts of Peter Pan, Archie Bunker, or Linus van Pelt, to contact the CRIME TIPS line.
*As of press time, it could not be confirmed where PFN correspondent Scud Langley had lunch on Tuesday.
Lincoln, NE – A new fad has taken root in the graveyard enthusiast community; tired old headstones are getting a facelift. Volunteers with a local group are sneaking into cemeteries all over the city in the dead of night to paint the monuments with bright colors and add cheerful decorations.
“We just feel that the grey monolith has run its course.” says Lemonn Gentworth, president of the Graveyard Rejuvinators International: Midwest, otherwise known as GRIM. “There’s no reason people looking at a cemetery should ever be reminded of death, and nothing says “death” like ugly grey rocks sticking up out of the ground. With a little paint and maybe some tasteful dolphin figurines, cemeteries might become a place so removed from the awful stigma of death that you could host a toddler’s birthday party, or have a bat mitten tourney, or sell puppies to homeless people, or whatever. The possibilities are really endless.” To date, Gentworth and his volunteers have “colorfied” (the official GRIM term) about 100 graves in and around Lincoln, with plans to move on about 250 more.
While it should be noted that these activities are viewed as vandalism under the law (punishable by death in North Korea) and there has been some outcry from concerned citizens, PFN News spoke to at least one man who welcomed the change. I visited Jarvis Wayne II on the back porch of his humble farmhouse on the outskirts of town, overlooking his neighbor’s fields, and the family graveyard that lies just beyond the white picket fence around the backyard. “Well I was actually pretty shocked at first.” Wayne told me. “I just woke up one morning and saw all of my ancestors had a coat of yellow paint on the headstones. I called my preacher just to make sure you know, there wasn’t anything untoward about it, you know with the dead and all that. And then I called the hospital to make sure they would tell those ambulance helicopter pilots that I did not have a landing pad in my back yard, what with the yellow and all. After that, the more I thought about it, I guess it was really OK. I think Grandpa Jarvis might even have liked it, you know with the yellow and all.”
Indeed as we sipped iced tea on the back porch, this reporter could not help but appreciate a scene as American as any. The sun setting on the horizon, illuminating the Amber Graves of Wayne.
PFN News – Steve Dbrockavitch
Contributed by Scud Langley
Somewhere in East Texas – Occasionally my uncle, Ransom Langley will offer his thoughts on current events and give his wisdom and insight into which direction our country should go. In the area of the current debt crisis, he had this to say:
I used to know this guy down south of Kirbyville who’d give a man a nickel apiece for nutria rats. Now back in those days, you could take nutria rats down to the courthouse and get 3 cents a quarter-weight. A man that would give 5 cents apiece was hurtin’ pretty bad for some nutria rats so me and my brothers were more than happy to take his money. Anyway, this one time while I was heading down to the banks of the Neches river to rustle up a few nutria rats, I spotted a guy sitting on a bucket with a raccoon in his lap. I spotted a purple Crown Royal pouch in the coon’s hand so I asked the man,
“Excuse me, mister. What do you figure that coon’s got in that satchel.”
“Don’t know. Haven’t asked him.”
A coon had swiped my daddy’s tobacco off the back porch a few weeks prior and I figured the odds of finding another coon with such a pouch were pretty slim. I asked the man,
“If you don’t mind, I’d like to ask that coon a few questions about his satchel. A similar lookin’ coon stole my daddy’s tobacco and I’ve been looking for him ever since.”
He was more than happy to oblige because stealing a man’s tobacco in those days was a shootin’ offense. As I started over his way, he jumped up in a yaupon bush and threw the pouch into the river. Now you don’t just stand there and watch your daddy’s tobacco float down the river without doing something about it and I knew my daddy wouldn’t be too happy to find out his tobacco went swimming downstream while I stood there like a slack-jawed idiot. I quickly dropped my trousers and dove in after it. When I finally got it ashore, I opened it up and to my surprise found 2 squirrel pelts and a bottle of Epsom salt. I asked the man,
“Now, if he knew there wasn’t any tobacco in that bag, why did he go on and toss it into the river when I came at him?”
The man replied,
“Well, you know how squirrel pelts get. If you don’t keep ’em moist and rub in Epsom salt every couple of days, you might as well forget about making a good coin purse. Ol’ Rusty here was afraid you were gonna take his squirrel pelts and let ’em get all dried out. I can’t say I blame him the way you were carrying on.”
I didn’t make much money that day.
– Ransom Langley
Contributed by Scud Langley
Broken Bow, OK – A rash of severe injuries have plagued PFN News Headquarters in the past two months, leaving employees scratching their heads. Several have been treated for lacerations and deep bruises and many have threatened to quit. Ted Mosely, chief editor of offline content had this to say:
We’re all confused and saddened by these recent events. Doctors say the injuries are consistent with bear maulings, but no bear maulings have been authorized by PFN News or any of its subsidiaries. We intend to hire a very expensive private investigator to get to the bottom of this issue.
This issue remains, as of yet, unresolved.
In other news, playground equipment has been added to our onsite bear range so employees can bring their children during lunch.
Contributed by Scud Langley
Though rife with financial woes, on occasion, PFN News is able to spoil its employees with new on-site amenities to compliment the already popular gun range and trampoline stations. Though stuck in sub-committee for the past 3 years and never green-lit by the Texas Parks & Wildlife Association, it is my great pleasure to announce that beginning next week, our on-site bear range will be open and fully accessible to all associates currently or formerly employed by PFN News.
What is a bear range, you ask? And what do you do at a bear range? Both are certainly legitimate questions.
Above, you’ll notice our first resident, Vince Vaughn. He was captured out of the Kentucky Land Reservoir and Rose Emporium where he was tranquilized and then transported in the back of a 1978 Chevrolet pickup under a tarp to our headquarters. There was a slight scare when Reynaldo was pulled over for a missing tail light but the state trooper never bothered to look under the tarp and we were on our way to having that bear range everyone has dreamed of.
Now that the PFN News Headquarters Bear Range and Youpon Emporium is fully functional, we will have to say goodbye to copy editor Erick Nance whose office we had to bulldoze to make way for the 237 acres of open bear country necessary for Vince Vaughn to roam uninhibited. Mr. Nance’s office wasn’t located on the bear range, but the backhoe we rented to dig a hole for Vince to play in accidentally knocked a hole in his wall during transit and we didn’t have to funds to rebuild the 10×10 shed he was working in.
We wish Erick all the best in his future endeavors.
Broken Bow, OK
It is a known fact that the endorsement of a political candidate by a major news organization can have weighty effects on election outcomes. Throughout American political history, the influence of journalists has played such a weighty role in election outcomes, that entire media enterprises have been built on the premise of decrying the effects of national media on elections.
In principal, PFN News rejects the notion of politically biased election coverage, and we make every effort possible to cover elections objectively, scrubbed clean of opinion and bias. However, in political climates such as the one we face this cycle, force our hand and we must influence the election in any way possible. We must now, for the good of the country, levy our considerable social capital for the good of our fellow man; the cost of inaction is simply too great.
That is why we are officially offering our endorsement of Emollient Fécal for the office of President. Neither of the two National Parties offered a candidate who is skilled in falconry and goat husbandry. In this case the old French proverb, passed on to Mr. Fécal by his grandfather, proves true:
“Si on ne peut pas bien gouverner un troupeau de chèvres et a entrailles irréguliers, comment pourrait-il gouverner la nation?”
“If one cannot rule well a herd of goats and has irregular bowels, how shall he rule the nation?”
America, consider the game changed.
Contributed by Scud Langley
Over the past few months, there has been an alarming increase in the number of bears found in public and private areas. Homes, college campuses, and playgrounds have all played host to bears around the country and many are wondering why.
According to some sources, the bears have started their own “Occupy” movement around the country to protest the national parks asking patrons not to feed them. To show their displeasure with these draconian measures, bears have shown up on public and private property and have climbed into trees as a protest of sorts. Unfortunately, the bears underestimated the power of man’s tranquilizer gun and many have been shot out of the trees and released back into the wild.
Due to the overwhelming failure of the protest to garner any interest in the bears’ plight, it is certain to be lost in the annals of history. As the bears return to their honey pots, their movement is more or less symbolized by the countless images of tranquilized bears falling unconciously out of a tree.