Archive for category Steve Dbrockavitch
East Lansing, MI – A bank heist was pulled off on Tuesday using only the power of the animal kingdom. A man reportedly walked into the Third Bank and Trust in the five hundred block of Taft Avenue in East Lansing, with a blinded falcon on his forearm, and demanded that the clerk give him the contents of three specific safe deposit boxes, registered to Peter Pan, Archie Bunker, and Linus van Pelt, respectively.
According to the clerk, a Ms. Abigail Cartwright, when she asked to see some identification, the unmasked man said, “I think this will suffice” gesturing to the falcon. Then, when she tried to call a manager to see what the bank’s policy on using birds of prey as identification, the robber reached over the counter, took the phone out of her hand, and began to make threats. As recounted by Ms. Cartwright, and confirmed by surveillance video, the alleged thief launched into a soliloquy, in which he threatened to, “release the unfettered fury of this mighty beast on the very soul of this establishment.” Which fury, he said, would, “render this building into a pile of rubble indistinguishable from any pile of rubble anywhere in the world, and you will find yourselves in solidarity with men and women weeping over those piles of rubble, as you weep over this one. Some of you may be familiar with the capacity of the Peregrine Falcon’s ability to raze a building before you can remember if the moon will be waxing or waning this evening, but I’ll wager most of you are not so familiar as you shall soon be. As you look on in disbelief, in horror, indeed possibly even in macabre fascination, this fell beast will tear at the fabric of this structure in such a way that it’s designer will feel a pain in his bowels. This bird will ensure that I get satisfaction, I will exact my pound of flesh.”
As he was speaking, someone returned from the back with the boxes, each of which apparently containing exactly one third of a pound of raw ground Emu. The man then swept the contents of the boxes into a canvas bag labeled, “Luncheon Meat,” bid everyone in the room a “good eve,” and walked out, calmly fleeing the scene in a renovated school bus.
Police have asked if anyone has any information on the whereabouts of Peter Pan, Archie Bunker, or Linus van Pelt, to contact the CRIME TIPS line.
*As of press time, it could not be confirmed where PFN correspondent Scud Langley had lunch on Tuesday.
Lincoln, NE – A new fad has taken root in the graveyard enthusiast community; tired old headstones are getting a facelift. Volunteers with a local group are sneaking into cemeteries all over the city in the dead of night to paint the monuments with bright colors and add cheerful decorations.
“We just feel that the grey monolith has run its course.” says Lemonn Gentworth, president of the Graveyard Rejuvinators International: Midwest, otherwise known as GRIM. “There’s no reason people looking at a cemetery should ever be reminded of death, and nothing says “death” like ugly grey rocks sticking up out of the ground. With a little paint and maybe some tasteful dolphin figurines, cemeteries might become a place so removed from the awful stigma of death that you could host a toddler’s birthday party, or have a bat mitten tourney, or sell puppies to homeless people, or whatever. The possibilities are really endless.” To date, Gentworth and his volunteers have “colorfied” (the official GRIM term) about 100 graves in and around Lincoln, with plans to move on about 250 more.
While it should be noted that these activities are viewed as vandalism under the law (punishable by death in North Korea) and there has been some outcry from concerned citizens, PFN News spoke to at least one man who welcomed the change. I visited Jarvis Wayne II on the back porch of his humble farmhouse on the outskirts of town, overlooking his neighbor’s fields, and the family graveyard that lies just beyond the white picket fence around the backyard. “Well I was actually pretty shocked at first.” Wayne told me. “I just woke up one morning and saw all of my ancestors had a coat of yellow paint on the headstones. I called my preacher just to make sure you know, there wasn’t anything untoward about it, you know with the dead and all that. And then I called the hospital to make sure they would tell those ambulance helicopter pilots that I did not have a landing pad in my back yard, what with the yellow and all. After that, the more I thought about it, I guess it was really OK. I think Grandpa Jarvis might even have liked it, you know with the yellow and all.”
Indeed as we sipped iced tea on the back porch, this reporter could not help but appreciate a scene as American as any. The sun setting on the horizon, illuminating the Amber Graves of Wayne.
PFN News – Steve Dbrockavitch
Broken Bow, OK
It is a known fact that the endorsement of a political candidate by a major news organization can have weighty effects on election outcomes. Throughout American political history, the influence of journalists has played such a weighty role in election outcomes, that entire media enterprises have been built on the premise of decrying the effects of national media on elections.
In principal, PFN News rejects the notion of politically biased election coverage, and we make every effort possible to cover elections objectively, scrubbed clean of opinion and bias. However, in political climates such as the one we face this cycle, force our hand and we must influence the election in any way possible. We must now, for the good of the country, levy our considerable social capital for the good of our fellow man; the cost of inaction is simply too great.
That is why we are officially offering our endorsement of Emollient Fécal for the office of President. Neither of the two National Parties offered a candidate who is skilled in falconry and goat husbandry. In this case the old French proverb, passed on to Mr. Fécal by his grandfather, proves true:
“Si on ne peut pas bien gouverner un troupeau de chèvres et a entrailles irréguliers, comment pourrait-il gouverner la nation?”
“If one cannot rule well a herd of goats and has irregular bowels, how shall he rule the nation?”
America, consider the game changed.
Paris, TX – The debate is as old as the science of paleontology itself. What killed the dinosaurs? One man thinks he has finally solved this mystery. Dr. Hames Blessing, founding member of the Blessing Organization for the Observation and Gathering of Information on Extinction (B.O.O.G.I.E.), published his new theory in the latest issue of his organization’s quarterly newsletter, BOOGIE Writes.
Dr. Blessing has concluded that “the complete absence of any living dinosaurs today must mean that they all died; that much we already knew. If they all died, then something must have killed them all, otherwise they would still be alive. I was pondering this reality when I realized we have never once discovered any fossilized lung tissue, not a single scrap. This put me hot on the trail of a breakthrough. I remembered coming across the corpse of a long lost family pet once during the construction of my parent’s new house. “Tango” the Jack Russel terrier had died at a ripe old age of twelve, after spending his entire life in the home of my parents, both chain smokers. When I examined the remains of my old pal, some thirty years after his death, I noticed the conspicuous absence of lung tissue in his remains. To further bolster the claim I was working up, I exhumed the bodies of some 1200 deceased family pets who lived in smoking households. The findings were nothing short of remarkable. We found not one single shred of lung tissue, just like the dinosaurs! This led me to postulate that second-hand smoke must have been the primary cause of not only the death of countless family pets, but also the extinction of the dinosaurs. I’m not afraid to say this may be the biggest breakthrough since the discovery of fossils, and I’m glad to be a part of it.”
We’d like to welcome the newest member of the PFN staff, Mr. Archibald Seldom Lavergne, or Seldom to his friends. After running away from home at age 5, Seldom spent the next fifteen years living off the land in the Atchafalaya National Wildlife Refuge in Southeast Louisiana. Receiving no formal education, he taught himself using a cache of English textbooks of various levels that had drifted down the river into the wildlife refuge.
This unusual windfall was the result of a tragic accident involving a barge load of textbooks and a botched weapons sting operation. The tug boat captain was informed by ATF agents that he would encounter two groups of men on horseback crossing the river at a certain time on a certain night. One group would be undercover field agents looking to purchase a crate of crossbows, the other, a weapons smuggling militia group from west Tennessee. In the dark of night, the captain was to distinguish between the two groups of riders by listening for the canter of the field agents’ horses, versus the gallop of the smugglers’. If the smugglers were galloping across the bridge, that would mean that the agents’ cover had been blown and he was to bump the bridge piling with the barge, in order to shake the whole structure and throw the riders off their horses, where they could be overtaken by the agents. If he heard cantering ATF horses, he would know that the operation had gone according to plan and he need not do anything.
It so happened that, on the night of the sting operation, a group of Mennonites were crossing the bridge, with trotting buggy-horses when they were overtaken by a boyscout troupe riding briskly walking Welsh Ponies. The captain, unprepared for the new footfalls he was encountering, was looking up “horse gaits” on Wikipedia when he lost control of the barge, running headlong into the bridge at full speed, spilling the cargo.
While none of the Mennonites, boyscouts, or horses were injured, the smugglers got spooked and the operation was a failure. Seen by locals and the national media as a careless oversight by the ATF (not to mention the questionable ties the Vice President had with the shipping company, book publisher, and Mennonites), the incident was dubbed “The Gait-Gate Scandal” and a Congressional panel was convened to investigate. They have yet to release their findings.
An unfortunate incident for all parties involved, no doubt, except for young Seldom Lavergne. Not only did he receive an invaluable education, which has since been recognized by Franks Junior College in Bethesda, Oklahoma, in the form of an honorary Bachelor’s Degree in English Theory, but the pages of those books also kept his belly full during hard times in the swamp. This education, his vast knowledge of the outdoors, and the current popularity of all things “swamp” that we hope to capitalize on, make Mr. Lavergne a perfect match for the job of Outdoors Editor at PFN News.
Contributed by Steve Dbrockavitch
Littlefield, TX – If you ask around any small Texas town, you’ll be hard pressed to find a sympathetic ear for organized labor. But in the small ranching community of Littlefield, collective bargaining flames have been lit, and are blowing their way across the prairie.
It all began when rancher Nelson “Bucky” Toller hired self-described “horse whisperer” Amethyst Moon Soul to help him with some unruly horses. “I just thought they was a pertick’ly orn’ry lot, but I woulda never guessed they was s’down-hearted. Beat all I ever saw.” said Toller in a phone interview.
“This Moon feller said he was a jam up whisperer, said he’d have that riley buncha ponies sittin’ in my lap and purrin’ like house cats in two days. That sounded pretty good to me so I flew ‘im out from, Stalingrad or whatever he called it, said all the best whisperers come from there, wherever it was. Then I turned ‘im loose on my heard, and he went to whisperin’. He’d whisper somethin’ to them and they’d go to whisperin’ back to him. Next thing I knew he was a-writin’ things on a clipboard and collectin’ hoof prints on little cards. Come back to me sayin’ my heard was now a local chapter of the International Brotherhood of Beasts of Burden – said they took a vote and they all whispered that that’s what they wanted to do.”
When asked about the temperament of his newly organized herd, Mr. Toller said, “Oh they do real fine ‘cept they cain’t carry a man over 155 pounds, and they cain’t work n’more than 2 hours at the time, what with all the breaks they git. They really like that organic kale that I have to put in their feed now though. That and the Evian spring water that I truck in from somewhere – fact they git plumb giddy when it’s feedin’ time, I never seen s’much frolickin’ and prancin’ about. O’ Ame Fist, or however you say his name, says they’re all in good spirits – he has a whisperin’ session once’t a week, says I cain’t see it but they’re all smilin’ on the inside he says. I’ll have to git out there to that Stalingrad place sometime. He says out there the horses are smilin’ on the outside too, dangedest thing.”
Since their initial founding, the growth of the IBBB has been exponential. Apparently there has been an uneasy, disgruntled mood in the equine community, lying just under the surface, hindered by the language barrier that Mr. Soul Wind has managed to bring down. The IBBB is looking to expand their reach and have meetings scheduled with seeing-eye and police dogs in the coming months.
It’s the time of year when bloggers everywhere stop posting new material and recycle their “best” material of the year. As a news organization, we at PFN News keep our finger ever on the pulse of the blogosphere, so Ronald Gorbit, our official Web Scourer, “soured” the web, taking a sample survey of one blog, and found, by extrapolation, that fully 100% of blogs are posting “Best of” material.
He also concluded from his research that 100% of blogs: contain hand drawn scenes from the Bible and lite biblical commentary which is often witty, and decidedly pastoral, invite readers to submit drawings of their own, recently underwent “construction” to become “self-hosted,” have photos of the author and other patrons of the Jasper Air Show on the homepage, and are authored by someone named Jared Hollier.
While these findings are certainly interesting, in hindsight Mr. Gorbit has informed us that he believes that a one blog survey might not yield results sufficient to speak accurately about the entire blogosphere. This revelation came when Mr. Gorbit stumbled upon another blog* that was neither authored by anyone named “Jared” or “Hollier,” nor did it invite readers to submit material. This led Mr. Gorbit to believe that “the blogoshpere may be larger and more diverse than we initially thought. It may be that there are blogs containing hand-drawn pictures of subject matter other than biblical, and there may even be some that extend beyond the reach of flight enthusiasts in Jasper County, Texas.”
*Note: webmasters at PFN News have recently learned how to add hyperlinks that appear as highlighted text, and are using this technique as often as possible.