Unity Only a Speech Away

Contributed by Scud Langley

Clandestine, Ohio – With all of the chaos that has erupted around the country recently, many politicians have attempted to speak of unity and togetherness and have taken every opportunity to denounce rhetoric that they say is “harsh” and “divisive”.  In toning down this destructive rhetoric, they believe they can unite the country and usher in an era of peace and tolerance.

While at a campaign stop for local and statewide candidates in Clandestine, Ohio, the President offered up his thoughts on the matter:

“Look, there’s no doubt that folks are angry right now and there is a lot of built up frustration and I believe we all have some responsibility here.  Tensions are high and we have to do everything we can to bring healing and unity to our communities.  That’s why I am asking for lawmakers and presidential candidates on both sides of the aisle to tone down their rhetoric and to look for ways to bring unity instead of divisiveness… (applause)…  Unfortunately, however, this kind of divisiveness tends to come from one side of the aisle more than the other.  Look, when folks from the other side of the aisle spend more time attacking me and their political opponents and spewing hatred than they do talking about unity, we all suffer… (applause)… They don’t have a plan!  They don’t have a plan to move us forward because their bigotry blinds their thought process.  That kind of thinking will never bring unity.  That will only move us backwards towards restrictive policies like Jim Crow.  But from the sounds of things, that’s something they would support… (boos)… I know.  I know… I would love for us to be able to talk about love and unity and common ground but that’s impossible when all they can do is insult their opponents, trash their ideas, and inspire hatred.  How can we be a unified country when there are so many bigots and carnival barkers from the other party who do nothing more than name-call and incite fear?  That kind of extremism is more dangerous than terrorism in some cases!”

The president spent the next hour speaking about how bigoted politicians on the right use hateful rhetoric as a distraction from the real issues.

Trump Fanning the Flames at the RNC

Contributed by Scud Langley

Cleveland, OH – In a lesser covered event last week at the Republican National Convention, presidential nominee Donald Trump implemented a fairly unconventional method of weeding out attendees who were not behind him 100%.

As Mr. Trump walked onto the stage with the aid of a fog machine, he pressed a button on the podium that opened a sliding panel on the wall behind him that revealed what looked like a large furnace with golden inlays.  As the applause began to die down, Mr. Trump addressed the crowd and said,

“Now that I have accepted the nomination for president of the United States, we have to unite to defeat Crooked Hillary (TM)!… (applause)… However, frankly there are some Republicans out there who have not been treating me very fairly ok?  I’ve heard that there are some losers who would rather vote for some failed career politician instead of me… (boos)… I know… I know…  That’s no way to win, so here’s what we’re gonna do:  I had this magnificent furnace built by some wonderful people and let me tell you, it’s really terrific.  We will ask everyone to pledge loyalty to the campaign and whoever decides they still don’t want to be loyal to us, which would not be very smart, will be escorted into the furnace… (applause)… Thank you… Thank you… We’re gonna win, that I can tell you!”

There were no reported attendees thrown into the furnace towards the end of the convention, but after Senator Ted Cruz spoke and refused to offer a full-throated endorsement of the Trump campaign, a few large men in black suits came up and began escorting him towards the furnace.  Though it is unclear exactly how, Senator Cruz managed to survive the ordeal.  Some witnesses claim that they saw something like a son of man standing next to Cruz as he began to walk into the furnace but these reports have been unverified as of the writing of this article.

Current Gun Debate no Flash in the Pan

Contributed by Scud Langley

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania – Though the debate about gun rights in the United States seems to be a recent phenomenon, new evidence has shown that there has been disagreement about the 2nd amendment from the very beginning.  Though many of the founders often wrote in supportive terms of the right of the people to keep and bear arms, a recent discovery in Wayne, Pennsylvania, which is just outside of Philadelphia, has given new insight into the debate that was waged even when the Bill of Rights was first being considered.

Local man Jim Hollaway was digging through his shed and found an old box that contained pieces of several letters written in fine script that were close to crumbling.  Not sure what they were, he took them to an antique shop to have them evaluated and discovered that they were dated to around 1782-1783 and were contributed to a man named Anson Tremble.  Though the letters were not fully intact, it was clear through several sections that Mr. Tremble was no fan of the proposed 2nd amendment and was quite forceful in his desire to see it eliminated.  An intended recipient could not be found as the letters were somewhat ragged, but an excerpt from one of the partial sections reads:

“… and though it may be incumbent upon me to voice my displeasure of the proposal, I shall not but present several unquestionable points that should be taken into consideration before ratification is to be presented, and furthermore, I shall not be silen[ced] in this endeavour.  That any man would or should need such an arm as the British Land Pattern [Mus]ket (what we now know as “Brown Bess”) is beyond reasonabal [sic] and should not be taken in a serious manner, as this device… [and] is no more than a killing [machine] designed for the sole purpose of taking away the life of man.  The .75 caliber ball which fires forth from the muzzle is a horrendous piece of artill[ery] and is capable of more than incapacitating anything in its path.  This is not the weapon of an husbandman intent on defending his flock… It is true that I have taken up the arm and have fired it upon an open field and I shall say without any shame to my honour that [the] explosion that proceeded forth was deafening, the spark and flash that shot out from the contact of the flint to the frizzen was disorienting and unsettling, and the pain and numbness caused to my shoulder from the stock slamming backwards after the discharge has yet to begin healing.  The bellowing smoke that lingered from that awful black power was caught up in my lungs after the shot and I dare say that I may never brea[th] the same again…  No, this is no hunting weapon and should not be [con]sidered…”

Though it has been difficult to nail down just how much influence Mr. Tremble held in the debate and who his intellectual peers were, a single reference to a “Mr. Anson” as a “gormless nancy-boy” was found amongst the journal entries of Josiah Bartlett, one of the signers of the Declaration of Independence, but it is unclear if this is a direct reference to Anson Tremble.  Nevertheless, this finding has managed to shed a little more light on the debate that has seemingly raged on since the dawning of the Bill of Rights.

Trans-ient Food Labels on the Outs

Contributed by Scud Langley

Washington D.C. – On Friday, the Food and Drug Administration released a statement concerning language standards in their labeling practices in response to the changing social tides since the coming out party of the former Bruce Jenner.  Though food labels and descriptions have rarely been the cause of controversy, the FDA has decided that it will no longer refer to trans fats as “trans” fats.  In a press conference explaining the recent change, spokesman Donald Murskey had this to say:

“Look, we all know that words and labels can have not only a harmful effect on the margins of society, but can also contribute to insensitivity on the part of those who have no idea that their callous use of language can lead to the “otherism” of… others.  Since we know that in the past, we have unwittingly played a small part in this barbarism, we at the Food and Drug Administration have decided that the term “trans fats” brings with it a negative stigma that we do not wish to carry over to the trans-movement at large.  As such, effective Monday, any and all labels and descriptions containing the words “trans fats” will be replaced with an as-yet-to-be-determined description that we feel will more accurately describe the fats without ostracizing a very very large portion of our communities.  We will also begin the arduous task of combing through any and all past references to this lipid and will begin scrubbing the now hateful words from memory for the sake of our future.  We just want to make sure we’re on the right side of history on this, and since we will be effectively changing history, there will only be 1 side anyway so it’s a win-win.”

The descriptions that are currently in the running to replace “trans fats” are currently “negative fats”, “sad fats”, and simply “fatty acids”.  Since the publication of these choices, however, some uproar has arisen from the slam poetry community, the gothic community, and the plus size community who believe that these new descriptions could possibly bring with them some negative connotations towards their movements as well.  Several petitions have been brought forth on change.org and small protests have been formed in various cities in response to these new descriptions.

As of publication, no decision has been made on which description will be used moving forward and a simple solution does not look to be in sight.

Man Robs Bank At Falcon-Point

East Lansing, MI – A bank heist was pulled off on Tuesday using only the power of the animal kingdom.  A man reportedly walked into the Third Bank and Trust in the five hundred block of Taft Avenue in East Lansing, with a blinded falcon on his forearm, and demanded that the clerk give him the contents of three specific safe deposit boxes, registered to Peter Pan, Archie Bunker, and Linus van Pelt, respectively.

According to the clerk, a Ms. Abigail Cartwright, when she asked to see some identification, the unmasked man said, “I think this will suffice” gesturing to the falcon.  Then, when she tried to call a manager to see what the bank’s policy on using birds of prey as identification, the robber reached over the counter, took the phone out of her hand, and began to make threats.  As recounted by Ms. Cartwright, and confirmed by surveillance video, the alleged thief launched into a soliloquy, in which he threatened to, “release the unfettered fury of this mighty beast on the very soul of this establishment.”  Which fury, he said, would, “render this building into a pile of rubble indistinguishable from any pile of rubble anywhere in the world, and you will find yourselves in solidarity with men and women weeping over those piles of rubble, as you weep over this one.  Some of you may be familiar with the capacity of the Peregrine Falcon’s ability to raze a building before you can remember if the moon will be waxing or waning this evening, but I’ll wager most of you are not so familiar as you shall soon be.  As you look on in disbelief, in horror, indeed possibly even in macabre fascination, this fell beast will tear at the fabric of this structure in such a way that it’s designer will feel a pain in his bowels.  This bird will ensure that I get satisfaction, I will exact my pound of flesh.”

As he was speaking, someone returned from the back with the boxes, each of which apparently containing exactly one third of a pound of raw ground Emu.  The man then swept the contents of the boxes into a canvas bag labeled, “Luncheon Meat,” bid everyone in the room a “good eve,” and walked out, calmly fleeing the scene in a renovated school bus.

Police have asked if anyone has any information on the whereabouts of Peter Pan, Archie Bunker, or Linus van Pelt, to contact the CRIME TIPS line.

*As of press time, it could not be confirmed where PFN correspondent Scud Langley had lunch on Tuesday.

 

Wisdom from Ransom Langley

Contributed by Scud Langley

Somewhere in East Texas – Occasionally my uncle, Ransom Langley will offer his thoughts on current events and give his wisdom and insight into which direction our country should go.  In the area of the current debt crisis, he had this to say:

I used to know this guy down south of Kirbyville who’d give a man a nickel apiece for nutria rats.  Now back in those days, you could take nutria rats down to the courthouse and get 3 cents a quarter-weight.  A man that would give 5 cents apiece was hurtin’ pretty bad for some nutria rats so me and my brothers were more than happy to take his money.  Anyway, this one time while I was heading down to the banks of the Neches river to rustle up a few nutria rats, I spotted a guy sitting on a bucket with a raccoon in his lap.  I spotted a purple Crown Royal pouch in the coon’s hand so I asked the man,

“Excuse me, mister.  What do you figure that coon’s got in that satchel.”

He replied,

“Don’t know.  Haven’t asked him.”

A coon had swiped my daddy’s tobacco off the back porch a few weeks prior and I figured the odds of finding another coon with such a pouch were pretty slim.  I asked the man,

“If you don’t mind, I’d like to ask that coon a few questions about his satchel.  A similar lookin’ coon stole my daddy’s tobacco and I’ve been looking for him ever since.”

He was more than happy to oblige because stealing a man’s tobacco in those days was a shootin’ offense.  As I started over his way, he jumped up in a yaupon bush and threw the pouch into the river.  Now you don’t just stand there and watch your daddy’s tobacco float down the river without doing something about it and I knew my daddy wouldn’t be too happy to find out his tobacco went swimming downstream while I stood there like a slack-jawed idiot.  I quickly dropped my trousers and dove in after it.  When I finally got it ashore, I opened it up and to my surprise found 2 squirrel pelts and a bottle of Epsom salt.  I asked the man,

“Now, if he knew there wasn’t any tobacco in that bag, why did he go on and toss it into the river when I came at him?”

The man replied,

“Well, you know how squirrel pelts get.  If you don’t keep ’em moist and rub in Epsom salt every couple of days, you might as well forget about making a good coin purse.  Ol’ Rusty here was afraid you were gonna take his squirrel pelts and let ’em get all dried out.  I can’t say I blame him the way you were carrying on.”

I didn’t make much money that day.

– Ransom Langley

Bear Maulings Sweep PFN News Headquarters

Contributed by Scud Langley

Broken Bow, OK – A rash of severe injuries have plagued PFN News Headquarters in the past two months, leaving employees scratching their heads.  Several have been treated for lacerations and deep bruises and many have threatened to quit.  Ted Mosely, chief editor of offline content had this to say:

We’re all confused and saddened by these recent events.  Doctors say the injuries are consistent with bear maulings, but no bear maulings have been authorized by PFN News or any of its subsidiaries.  We intend to hire a very expensive private investigator to get to the bottom of this issue.

This issue remains, as of yet, unresolved.

In other news, playground equipment has been added to our onsite bear range so employees can bring their children during lunch.

Bear range opening at PFN News Headquarters

Contributed by Scud Langley

Though rife with financial woes, on occasion, PFN News is able to spoil its employees with new on-site amenities to compliment the already popular gun range and trampoline stations.  Though stuck in sub-committee for the past 3 years and never green-lit by the Texas Parks & Wildlife Association, it is my great pleasure to announce that beginning next week, our on-site bear range will be open and fully accessible to all associates currently or formerly employed by PFN News.

What is a bear range, you ask?  And what do you do at a bear range?  Both are certainly legitimate questions.

Above, you’ll notice our first resident, Vince Vaughn.  He was captured out of the Kentucky Land Reservoir and Rose Emporium where he was tranquilized and then transported in the back of a 1978 Chevrolet pickup under a tarp to our headquarters.  There was a slight scare when Reynaldo was pulled over for a missing tail light but the state trooper never bothered to look under the tarp and we were on our way to having that bear range everyone has dreamed of.

Now that the PFN News Headquarters Bear Range and Youpon Emporium is fully functional, we will have to say goodbye to copy editor Erick Nance whose office we had to bulldoze to make way for the 237 acres of open bear country necessary for Vince Vaughn to roam uninhibited.  Mr. Nance’s office wasn’t located on the bear range, but the backhoe we rented to dig a hole for Vince to play in accidentally knocked a hole in his wall during transit and we didn’t have to funds to rebuild the 10×10 shed he was working in.

We wish Erick all the best in his future endeavors.

Little Rock looking to make a big splash

Contributed by Scud Langley

As has become the current trend, many companies are attempting to re-brand their product with hip new logos that include lower case letters and apostrophes and hip lingo that says to today’s generation, hey bros, you should totally check out our product.

Not to be outdone, Little Rock, Arkansas is considering a change to their name in order to bring in young hipsters that will jazz up the place.  Though not set in stone, the city council is currently considering a change from Little Rock to lil’ rok.  Local councilman Ted Drummond had this to say:

Little Rock has been a great name for our city in the past but we had to ask ourselves; how can we get that key 18-34 demographic interested in a middle-of-the-road city in Arkansas?  At first we considered creating a city park where we would display all of the littlest rocks we could find in the surrounding area to promote public interest.  When we realized that idea was completely moronic (not to mention the thought of vandalism with all those tiny rocks), we instead consulted a 40-year-old teacher from Hot Springs to get some insight into the younger generation’s mind.  We found out later that she was only a 3rd grade teacher but we figured why not?  You don’t live more than twice or something, as the kids say these days.  Nonetheless, she advised us on changing the name to lil’ rok because, you know, that’s what kids are into nowadays so we agreed.  We plan on putting the name change up to a vote next week in order for the public to have a say.

It is unclear at this time whether or not the name change will go into effect but the general manager of the local Hot Topic store seemed encouraged and/or apathetic.  We couldn’t really tell.

Editors note: The original posting of this story included an almost complete misprint of councilman Drummond’s statement where not only was the council’s original idea incorrect, but the mention of the firing and subsequent rehiring of 4 city workers apparently never occurred.  Our field office in Little Rock had originally given us the correct quote that is seen here, but a guy from Branson, Missouri who happened to be in town gave us the additional information that was initially posted and our official policy is to not question statements from Branson.  Turns out, the guy was actually from nearby Eureka Springs, Arkansas.  Our official policy is to question all statements from Eureka Springs but our dialect expert apparently mistook his obvious Eureka Springs drawl for a Branson twang which led to the whole ordeal.  Since our dialect expert is PFN News co-founder Scud Langley, no disciplinary action was deemed necessary.  The story has been corrected.

Futuristic Glasses on the Horizon

Contributed by Scud Langley

In recent weeks, Google has announced the fast approaching release of their new product, the Google Glass.  Though this has been a hot topic in the media as of late, and although PFN News is a media organization of sorts, we have been unable to obtain an interview with any of the actual developers.

A relatively genuine attempt was made to contact Google to discuss the issue, but apparently nobody in our organization knew their contact number.  A rather thorough search of the local phone book was conducted, but apparently Google does not list their phone number in the McCurtain County phone book.  And since our accounts payable department forgot to pay our email domain bill the past few months, we have been unable to send and receive emails (it was determined that Steve’s personal email address [ThereBeTwelveMuskrat@verizon.net] should not be used for professional purposes).

Since nobody with Google could be contacted, our IT guy, Bart Silas was asked to comment instead:

Yea, so I think basically it’s gonna be like Robocop except it doesn’t come with auto aiming.  From what I can tell, it’ll kinda be like a mixture of Robocop and Duck Hunt*.  Because, you know, you still had to manually point that light gun at the TV for the Nintendo to figure out which duck you were shooting at…

This is the only known image PFN News has of the product:

*Our readers should know that there is no known official compatibility between the new Google glasses and Duck Hunt.