Archive for category Unrest

Unity Only a Speech Away

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Contributed by Scud Langley

Clandestine, Ohio – With all of the chaos that has erupted around the country recently, many politicians have attempted to speak of unity and togetherness and have taken every opportunity to denounce rhetoric that they say is “harsh” and “divisive”.  In toning down this destructive rhetoric, they believe they can unite the country and usher in an era of peace and tolerance.

While at a campaign stop for local and statewide candidates in Clandestine, Ohio, the President offered up his thoughts on the matter:

“Look, there’s no doubt that folks are angry right now and there is a lot of built up frustration and I believe we all have some responsibility here.  Tensions are high and we have to do everything we can to bring healing and unity to our communities.  That’s why I am asking for lawmakers and presidential candidates on both sides of the aisle to tone down their rhetoric and to look for ways to bring unity instead of divisiveness… (applause)…  Unfortunately, however, this kind of divisiveness tends to come from one side of the aisle more than the other.  Look, when folks from the other side of the aisle spend more time attacking me and their political opponents and spewing hatred than they do talking about unity, we all suffer… (applause)… They don’t have a plan!  They don’t have a plan to move us forward because their bigotry blinds their thought process.  That kind of thinking will never bring unity.  That will only move us backwards towards restrictive policies like Jim Crow.  But from the sounds of things, that’s something they would support… (boos)… I know.  I know… I would love for us to be able to talk about love and unity and common ground but that’s impossible when all they can do is insult their opponents, trash their ideas, and inspire hatred.  How can we be a unified country when there are so many bigots and carnival barkers from the other party who do nothing more than name-call and incite fear?  That kind of extremism is more dangerous than terrorism in some cases!”

The president spent the next hour speaking about how bigoted politicians on the right use hateful rhetoric as a distraction from the real issues.

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Dbrockavitch Ghost-Writes Autobiography

In anticipation of the long awaited, self-ghost-written biography of our very own Steve Dbrockavitch, entitled, Dbrockavitch v. World:  The Incredible Life of the World’s Best Journalist, we’ll be previewing the book over the next several years.  Here is a small excerpt from his early life.

Chapter One

Nothing forges the necessary tempered spine of a journalist like childhood adversity, and the treacherous slopes of his native Braatislava provided the very fires that made Steve Dbrockavitch the man he is today.

Born on a bitter cold, October night, Baby Steve was subjected to the customary Braatislavan practice of placing newborn babies under the torrid rump of a nesting vulture.  There is little warmth to be found in the whole wretched wasteland, and Basil and Yerba Dbrockavitch wanted the absolute best for their son that their country had to offer.  There, nestled amongst the soon to be hatched carrion fiends, Young Steve knew the warmth he felt was not just from the body of Mother Vulture, or the steaming squirrel carcase nearby, but the flames of investigative zeal burning in his tiny bosom.

Unfortunately, the early warmth of the vulture brood would be the last He would experience for a long time.  By his fifth birthday, the vulture clan had multiplied itself into a veritable winged army, and staged a coupe against the Dbrockavitch family, forcing them to abandon the barren hillside, and flee to the equally barren Braatislavan Valley.  There, Basil and Yerba made a decision that would change the life of their son forever.  They knew the desolate wasteland was no place to raise a child, so they placed their son in a wooden box, fashioned a sail atop the box, shoved the makeshift craft off into the treacherous waters that pound the coast of Braatislava, and hoped for the best.

Alone on the open sea, five year old Steve somehow found the warmth, either from his internal investigative zeal, or the squirrel carcase his parents had placed in the box with him, to press on.

Check back in the future for more previews of the best biography ever written, by the World’s Best Journalist.

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Scud Fan Mail: Episode 1

contributed by Scud Langley

 

Undisclosed National Forest – Since becoming a journalist for a nationally renowned news organization such as PFN News, I have received quite a bit of fan mail.  Most of these letters wind up in my incinerator before I read them and since my email account is set up to automatically delete emails with “yo dude” or “hey bro” in the subject, very little mail is ever processed.  However, as a favor to the PFNation, I have decided to post a few letters and emails that either slipped out of the incinerator before combustion or somehow got past my system of filters.  Without further adieu, here goes:

 Carl — Carlsbad, New Mexico:

I need your actual address so that I can come pick up that mountain lion mount.  I can’t enter”undisclosed location” into my GPS.  Would you please disclose your whereabouts?

The short answer to your request is “no”.  The somewhat longer answer is that if I were to disclose my whereabouts, not only could I no longer claim an “undisclosed national forest” as my residence, but I could also no longer receive tax breaks for “undisclosed farmland” that I allegedly use.

 

Rico — Providence, Rhode Island:

hey man i saw ur ad on cragslist for that mount of a mountain lion with a scimitar do u stil hav it i can offer u a crankshaft from a 78 cj5 jeep let me kno

 

Unfortunately for you, I already sold that mount to a gentleman from Carlsbad, New Mexico for an undisclosed sum and some goat shears.

 

Frank — Washington, D.C.:

Mr. Langley,

It has come to our attention that on your previous tax return, you filed for tax exemptions for feral livestock grazing land for six different states and two provinces in Canada as well as a farming exemption for a grain silo in Isla Nublar.  Not only are you not allowed to file for feral animal grazing land (much less for land outside the country), but Isla Nublar is just a fictional island from the book Jurassic Park.  These fraudulent exemptions have forced us to begin a formal investigation of your claims.

Please contact our office within the next 72 hours or a warrant for your arrest will be submitted.

 

Yes Frank, I agree that the new format for our website has made navigation somewhat easier.  And I’ll have to try that pheasant recipe when I get home.  

 

Sissy — Tupelo, Mississippi:

Hey Scud, what organizations are you a member of? 

P.S.  Why is that question worth $20 to you?

The list would be too long to print in such a short article, but the least secretive organizations include the East Lansing Falconry Club, NASA (North American Sniper Association), the Lockman Foundation, the Southeast Texas Fellowship of Sasquatch Enthusiasts United (not to be confused with the East Texas Reformed Bigfoot Association of America), the Willamette Valley Feral Pygmy Goat Association, Squirrel Hunters of America, the Louisiana Black Bear Habitat Rehabilitation Foundation, Save the Talons, and Pottery Barn.

 

Grant — Flint, Michigan:

Steve, I can’t tell you how big a fan I am of-

 

I pulled this letter out of one of our feral boer goats’ mouth, so most of it was eaten by the time I got to it.  I think what he was about to say was, “Steve, I can’t tell you how big a fan I am of Scud”.  I couldn’t agree more, Grant.

That’s all the letters I could find for today.  Keep sending me letters and I might even pick the best one and send them my copy of 1984 in Deutch signed by the Potentate of Lichtenfels Germany, Deiter Flammenstadt.

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Student’s Answer Not Reaganesque, Fails Test

contributed by Scud Langley

Tennessee – Rarely does national news come from the small town of Dunlap Tennessee, but an uproar at the local junior high school has garnered widespread attention.

Dually Craig, a local 8th grade student was taking a history test on the presidents of the United States when an incorrect answer about Ronald Reagan raised concerns.  In the test, the question asked, “What was President Emeritus Ronald Reagan’s middle name?”  Instead of the correct answer “Wilson”, Dually wrote “William”.  While grading Dually’s test, the history teacher Mr. Sandlin noticed the egregious answer and immediately gave the student an F.  After discussing the matter with the principal, both agreed that expelling Dually from school for two weeks would be best for the community.

“This was more than just an incorrect answer on a test,” said Principal Feely, “Dually’s answer showed how morally degraded our youth have become and we can’t just let that slide.  President Reagan was and still is the greatest voice of pure American conservatism and Godly virtue to ever walk this earth, and I refuse to stand idly by while one of our very own slanders his good name.  We don’t put up with that kind of commie vitriol at Daniel Boone Junior High.  Not now, not ever.”

As Mr. Feely began to tear up, he was pressed for further comments.  His only reply was a shaky but confident, “God bless America, and God bless Ronald Reagan.”

When Dually’s parents were asked for their thoughts on the situation, his father Tim Craig replied with, “We raised our boy better than that, and I ain’t about to put up with no good-for-nothin’ left-wing thirteen-year-old.  If you ask me, he should have been expelled for a month for that kind of behavior.  But don’t you worry; durin’ his two weeks off, he’ll be shovellin’ cow turds while he thinks about what he did.”  Mr. Craig stated that until he goes back to school, Dually will be referred to as “Wilson”.

After hearing of the situation, national talk radio host Rick Lundy threw in his thoughts the next day on his program, “Don’t doubt me folks.  This kid’s rhetoric was a dangerous attempt to paint President Reagan as some kind of Bozo the Clown.  Karl Marx is probably giving him a big thumbs up from his grave.  Whatever punishment he got was too good for him.”

PFN News was unable and unwilling to speak with Dually about the issue.

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Group Pledges to not take Pledge Sitting Down

Contributed by Scud Langley

Washington – The Pledge of Allegiance is once again under fire as activists have called for the removal of language deemed offensive.  The International Governing Network for the Regulation of Terminology (IGNRT) has determined that the phrase “for which it stands” is offensive to handicapped people who are bedridden or confined to a wheelchair. Lead Consenting Chairperson, Constance Duvey-Morosovitch led a group of activists to march on city hall in Seattle and demand that the pledge be changed so that the offensive language would be removed.

“We are all Americans!” Ms. Duvey-Morosovitch shouted to the thirteen people standing below her at the base of the steps.  “We, the IGNRT will not stay by the wayside while wheelchair bound persons are berated daily through our dogmatic recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance.  When we say, ‘and to the republic for which it stands’, we are saying that standing is more important than love and acceptance.  Those who can’t stand are being excluded by our hate speech!  How am I supposed to explain to my two children, Strafer and Tolerance that reciting the Pledge is a means of publicly humiliating those who are less fortunate?  Our forepersons guaranteed in the Constitutions of Independence that nobody would ever be offended.  How can we honor that commitment with such hateful language in our very own Pledge of Allegiance?  We will do everything in our power to right this atrocity.  We are the IGNRT and we have a voice!”

As municipal workers entered and exited the building, they were met with jeers from IGNRT and demands to change the Pledge of Allegiance.  This activity continued until 6:30 PM when one of the secretaries from the front desk came out and informed the mob that Seattle city hall had no power to change national sayings or mottos.  The group then made their way over to the courthouse where they continued their protest until police were dispatched.

As of the writing of this report, six of the fourteen protestors were arrested for breaking and entering, larceny, assaulting a judge, arson, and public defecation.  Public officials refused to comment on the ordeal.

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