Archive for category Music News

Re: Print – PFN NEWS GOES HARD COPY

contributed by Steve Dbrockavitch

Broken Bow, OK – At a time when most “news” organizations are moving all of their content to the digital world, PFN News plans to spin convention on its head and release a print edition starting in 2014.

“It’s a natural progression really.”

says PFN News Co-Founder, Co-CEO, and Executive Vice President of Content, Steve Dbrockavitch in a statement released Monday. PFN News was unable to obtain the text of the statement, but we did receive a handwritten outline of the statement, with all of the content redacted except the above quote, and the cassette tape used by Mr. Dbrockavitch’s personal amanuenses to transcribe the statement, but were unable to print any of this material as they were “off the record.”

However, for the purposes of this article, we rummaged through the garbage and found several sheets from a legal pad which led us to believe the print edition of PFN News will consist of two cost effective forms.

1. Graffiti in major metropolitan markets will be whitewashed and subsequently covered with PFN News content. This will include but not be limited to railcars, overpasses, bathroom walls and vehicles with dust on the back windows.
2. For our rural readers who will not encounter the graffiti, we will ask them to print PFN News content onto standard printer paper and read it from the comfort of their easy chair, chaise lounge, futon, or any piece of furniture.

Only time will tell how quickly other “news” “organizations” will jump on this bandwagon, however, the results of a recent PFN News office poll predict 2 to 50 years.

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PFN News News: Official Trumpeter Named

PFN News News:

Last month, PFN News correspondent Scud Langley reported on the firing of former news editor Raul Ortega.  While this was, no doubt, unfortunate for Mr. Ortega, it has proven to be somewhat of a windfall for PFN.  Not only did we rid the organization of a less than profitable associate, but we also loosed ourselves from his 5 year, $20,000 contract (which, as was stated therein, is voided upon termination), effectively freeing up 78% of our operating budget.

After hours of deliberation, the Board Members decided unanimously to appropriate $5,000 to pay off a couple of car title loans we had taken out during particularly trying season of the news business.  Last year, our advertiser pulled their support and we were forced to borrow against both vehicles owned by our company in order to fund the breaking news coverage, and underwrite the construction of Mr. Langley’s personal ham radio tower.

The remaining $15,000 was used to hire the newest member of our team, Stephano Grehrs, as the Official Trumpeter of PFN News.  Mr. Grehrs holds a B.A. in Accordion Theory from The University of Minsk, and completed his post-graduate studies in Vienna, earning an M.F.A. for his work in transcribing the sound of running water into conventional music notation, and then composing a sonata for bassoon based on the mono-tonal themes he derived from his research.  Mr. Grehrs soon left his academic career and spent the 90’s playing flute in jazz/Tibetan chant fusion bands all over the Pacific Northwest.  He then landed the coveted position of “Minstrel of Record” for NPR News where he stayed until we lured him to PFN with the promise of focusing on trumpet, and free use either the El Camino, or the other El Camino (recently secured by the aforementioned loan payment), at his discretion.

So far, the only assigned duties of the Official Trumpeter of NPR News are, playing “Flight of the Bumblebee” every morning via conference call, playing Taps at the funeral of any PFN associate who may die during his tenure, and softly playing “America the Beautiful” as Steve Dbrockavitch steps off the plane on any foreign soil.  Other duties may be assigned at a later date.

Note: A search for “Minstrel of Record” on the NPR website did not yield anything on Mr. Grehrs’ service there, having apparently been purged from their records.

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Steve Mail: Episode 1

From time to time we get letters from our dedicated readers.  You may have already read the responses my colleague Mr. Langley posted here, and noted our dedication to reader acknowledgement.   I have carved out a few minutes from my busy, world-traveling, story-breaking schedule to answer some of my own fan mail.  Now to be precise, I haven’t received any “actual” fan mail, but I have written a sample letter, the likes of which I assume you all have written but been to shy to send, and responded to it in kind.

Dear Steve,

How is it you’re so awesome?

Dear Reader,

I consider my awesomeness to begin at my attention to journalistic detail.  I have a strict writing regimen that I follow with every single piece that ensures the highest level of accuracy, one of the many contributing factors that make me the greatest journalist in the world.

First, I begin by taking down all of my field notes in Mandarin Chinese, on a scroll of hand-crafted rice paper, using a fountain pen.  When I get the notes back to the office in Broken Bow, I take Polaroid snapshots of the notes and have them scanned and digitized at an undisclosed local drug store.  The digital copies then get mailed to Dave in translation on a few hundred floppy discs.  Dave, while fluent in Urdu, Russian, and English, doesn’t know Chinese, so he must painstakingly match my handwritten characters with those available in the Google Translate tool.  The rendered English translation then gets copied on a regulation legal pad, and mailed to Chan Lu in editing who, fortunately knows Chinese and cleans up any confusion that may have happened during translation.  Sot’s finished product then gets mailed back to me to be compared with my original notes and scoured for errors.  If there are any changes to be made, any facts to check or corroborations collect, these things take place at this stage.  Often, upon further investigation, I find that the bulk of my original notes are full of erroneous information or bits of hearsay or, at least on one occasion, emotionally charged odes to the plight of the American Mustang.  At this point all of the impurities are purged and what remains is the pristine journalistic manifesti that you find at PFN News.

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Dbrockavitch Ghost-Writes Autobiography

In anticipation of the long awaited, self-ghost-written biography of our very own Steve Dbrockavitch, entitled, Dbrockavitch v. World:  The Incredible Life of the World’s Best Journalist, we’ll be previewing the book over the next several years.  Here is a small excerpt from his early life.

Chapter One

Nothing forges the necessary tempered spine of a journalist like childhood adversity, and the treacherous slopes of his native Braatislava provided the very fires that made Steve Dbrockavitch the man he is today.

Born on a bitter cold, October night, Baby Steve was subjected to the customary Braatislavan practice of placing newborn babies under the torrid rump of a nesting vulture.  There is little warmth to be found in the whole wretched wasteland, and Basil and Yerba Dbrockavitch wanted the absolute best for their son that their country had to offer.  There, nestled amongst the soon to be hatched carrion fiends, Young Steve knew the warmth he felt was not just from the body of Mother Vulture, or the steaming squirrel carcase nearby, but the flames of investigative zeal burning in his tiny bosom.

Unfortunately, the early warmth of the vulture brood would be the last He would experience for a long time.  By his fifth birthday, the vulture clan had multiplied itself into a veritable winged army, and staged a coupe against the Dbrockavitch family, forcing them to abandon the barren hillside, and flee to the equally barren Braatislavan Valley.  There, Basil and Yerba made a decision that would change the life of their son forever.  They knew the desolate wasteland was no place to raise a child, so they placed their son in a wooden box, fashioned a sail atop the box, shoved the makeshift craft off into the treacherous waters that pound the coast of Braatislava, and hoped for the best.

Alone on the open sea, five year old Steve somehow found the warmth, either from his internal investigative zeal, or the squirrel carcase his parents had placed in the box with him, to press on.

Check back in the future for more previews of the best biography ever written, by the World’s Best Journalist.

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Bono v Bono

Steve Dbrockavitch

Los Angeles, CA — With the stroke of a pen, U2 frontman Bono made history today as the first person to ever file an intellectual property suit against himself.  Alleging that he invented the Vaguely Spiritual Social Anthem in 1989, filed under U.S. Patent 119822.4(c), he contends that he owes himself $3.75 million in royalties.

Representing the singer, attorney Milibrak Hurt, of the prestigious, Hurt, Farsely, Scamton, Dbrockavitch*, Neerwell, and Van de Fluur said Bono “pioneered his iconic sound and deserves credit and compensation when anyone, even himself, uses it without permission.  With this landmark case we hope to not only vindicate our client, but also set a precedent for artist in the future to protect their work from themselves.”

Speaking at a press conference, through an interpreter he said, “Look, the most important thing you can do is be true to yourself, and I wouldn’t be if I allow myself to fleece my own ideas.  What would Ghandi think?  It’s like a deep breath you know; peace, with handful of breadcrumbs and who even saw it coming.”

Although preliminary hearings have been held, depositions taken, and a court date set, sources from within the defense team say there are talks of a settlement.  The case may not go to court if Bono will agree to donate $3.75 million to teach self actualization to children in Nicaragua.

*no relation

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New Take on Being a Has-Been

Contributor Scoot McD Scud Langely

New York – A new sensation has made his way into the pop world recently and his recent surge is causing equal parts hysteria and confusion.  Kinny Laughins showed up at the MTV music awards sporting a brown leather jacket, tight faded Levi jeans, coiffed hair, and a neat beard.  All in attendance immediately began making comparisons between him and ’80s movie soundtrack regular Kenny Loggins.

Matters were only made worse by the wunderkind’s debut on Top 40 radio with his first hit, “Fancy Free” which seemed to draw heavily from Loggins’ own hit, “Footloose”.  If the similar sounding guitar riffs and hand claps were not enough to draw the ire of the music industry, the chorus seems to only be a rework of the original.  In it, Laughins sings, “Gi-gi-gotta get free, fancy-free.  Get up off of your knees”.

When asked about these comparisons, Laughins removed his aviator sunglasses and replied,

“Look, I had never even heard of this ‘Kenny Loggins’ before the media started asking me about him.  And as far as the similarities go, I really don’t see them.  Sure, both of our hits are amazingly popular, but other than that, I can’t make any other comparisons.  Sounds to me like an old has-been’s attempt at latching onto some new blood’s fame and fortune.  I write all of my own songs in the seclusion of an F16 Tomcat so that I have no distractions.  Everyone will see that I’m an original artist once my new hit, “Hazard Ward” hits radios next month.”

The jury is still out on whether or not Laughins is an original or just a carbon copy of his namesake.  Only time will tell.

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