Archive for category Gaming

Above The Fruited Plain: Vandals Bolster American Sentiment

Lincoln, NE – A new fad has taken root in the graveyard enthusiast community; tired old headstones are getting a facelift.  Volunteers with a local group are sneaking into cemeteries all over the city in the dead of night to paint the monuments with bright colors and add cheerful decorations. 

“We just feel that the grey monolith has run its course.” says Lemonn Gentworth, president of the Graveyard Rejuvinators International: Midwest, otherwise known as GRIM.  “There’s no reason people looking at a cemetery should ever be reminded of death, and nothing says “death” like ugly grey rocks sticking up out of the ground.  With a little paint and maybe some tasteful dolphin figurines, cemeteries might become a place so removed from the awful stigma of death that you could host a toddler’s birthday party, or have a bat mitten tourney, or sell puppies to homeless people, or whatever.  The possibilities are really endless.”   To date, Gentworth and his volunteers have “colorfied” (the official GRIM term) about 100 graves in and around Lincoln, with plans to move on about 250 more. 

While it should be noted that these activities are viewed as vandalism under the law (punishable by death in North Korea) and there has been some outcry from concerned citizens, PFN News spoke to at least one man who welcomed the change.  I visited Jarvis Wayne II on the back porch of his humble farmhouse on the outskirts of town, overlooking his neighbor’s fields, and the family graveyard that lies just beyond the white picket fence around the backyard.  “Well I was actually pretty shocked at first.”  Wayne told me. “I just woke up one morning and saw all of my ancestors had a coat of yellow paint on the headstones.  I called my preacher just to make sure you know, there wasn’t anything untoward about it, you know with the dead and all that.  And then I called the hospital to make sure they would tell those ambulance helicopter pilots that I did not have a landing pad in my back yard, what with the yellow and all.  After that, the more I thought about it, I guess it was really OK.  I think Grandpa Jarvis might even have liked it, you know with the yellow and all.”

Indeed as we sipped iced tea on the back porch, this reporter could not help but appreciate a scene as American as any.  The sun setting on the horizon, illuminating the Amber Graves of Wayne. 

PFN News – Steve Dbrockavitch


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contributed by Steve Dbrockavitch

Broken Bow, OK – At a time when most “news” organizations are moving all of their content to the digital world, PFN News plans to spin convention on its head and release a print edition starting in 2014.

“It’s a natural progression really.”

says PFN News Co-Founder, Co-CEO, and Executive Vice President of Content, Steve Dbrockavitch in a statement released Monday. PFN News was unable to obtain the text of the statement, but we did receive a handwritten outline of the statement, with all of the content redacted except the above quote, and the cassette tape used by Mr. Dbrockavitch’s personal amanuenses to transcribe the statement, but were unable to print any of this material as they were “off the record.”

However, for the purposes of this article, we rummaged through the garbage and found several sheets from a legal pad which led us to believe the print edition of PFN News will consist of two cost effective forms.

1. Graffiti in major metropolitan markets will be whitewashed and subsequently covered with PFN News content. This will include but not be limited to railcars, overpasses, bathroom walls and vehicles with dust on the back windows.
2. For our rural readers who will not encounter the graffiti, we will ask them to print PFN News content onto standard printer paper and read it from the comfort of their easy chair, chaise lounge, futon, or any piece of furniture.

Only time will tell how quickly other “news” “organizations” will jump on this bandwagon, however, the results of a recent PFN News office poll predict 2 to 50 years.

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Steve Mail: Episode 1

From time to time we get letters from our dedicated readers.  You may have already read the responses my colleague Mr. Langley posted here, and noted our dedication to reader acknowledgement.   I have carved out a few minutes from my busy, world-traveling, story-breaking schedule to answer some of my own fan mail.  Now to be precise, I haven’t received any “actual” fan mail, but I have written a sample letter, the likes of which I assume you all have written but been to shy to send, and responded to it in kind.

Dear Steve,

How is it you’re so awesome?

Dear Reader,

I consider my awesomeness to begin at my attention to journalistic detail.  I have a strict writing regimen that I follow with every single piece that ensures the highest level of accuracy, one of the many contributing factors that make me the greatest journalist in the world.

First, I begin by taking down all of my field notes in Mandarin Chinese, on a scroll of hand-crafted rice paper, using a fountain pen.  When I get the notes back to the office in Broken Bow, I take Polaroid snapshots of the notes and have them scanned and digitized at an undisclosed local drug store.  The digital copies then get mailed to Dave in translation on a few hundred floppy discs.  Dave, while fluent in Urdu, Russian, and English, doesn’t know Chinese, so he must painstakingly match my handwritten characters with those available in the Google Translate tool.  The rendered English translation then gets copied on a regulation legal pad, and mailed to Chan Lu in editing who, fortunately knows Chinese and cleans up any confusion that may have happened during translation.  Sot’s finished product then gets mailed back to me to be compared with my original notes and scoured for errors.  If there are any changes to be made, any facts to check or corroborations collect, these things take place at this stage.  Often, upon further investigation, I find that the bulk of my original notes are full of erroneous information or bits of hearsay or, at least on one occasion, emotionally charged odes to the plight of the American Mustang.  At this point all of the impurities are purged and what remains is the pristine journalistic manifesti that you find at PFN News.

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Dbrockavitch Ghost-Writes Autobiography

In anticipation of the long awaited, self-ghost-written biography of our very own Steve Dbrockavitch, entitled, Dbrockavitch v. World:  The Incredible Life of the World’s Best Journalist, we’ll be previewing the book over the next several years.  Here is a small excerpt from his early life.

Chapter One

Nothing forges the necessary tempered spine of a journalist like childhood adversity, and the treacherous slopes of his native Braatislava provided the very fires that made Steve Dbrockavitch the man he is today.

Born on a bitter cold, October night, Baby Steve was subjected to the customary Braatislavan practice of placing newborn babies under the torrid rump of a nesting vulture.  There is little warmth to be found in the whole wretched wasteland, and Basil and Yerba Dbrockavitch wanted the absolute best for their son that their country had to offer.  There, nestled amongst the soon to be hatched carrion fiends, Young Steve knew the warmth he felt was not just from the body of Mother Vulture, or the steaming squirrel carcase nearby, but the flames of investigative zeal burning in his tiny bosom.

Unfortunately, the early warmth of the vulture brood would be the last He would experience for a long time.  By his fifth birthday, the vulture clan had multiplied itself into a veritable winged army, and staged a coupe against the Dbrockavitch family, forcing them to abandon the barren hillside, and flee to the equally barren Braatislavan Valley.  There, Basil and Yerba made a decision that would change the life of their son forever.  They knew the desolate wasteland was no place to raise a child, so they placed their son in a wooden box, fashioned a sail atop the box, shoved the makeshift craft off into the treacherous waters that pound the coast of Braatislava, and hoped for the best.

Alone on the open sea, five year old Steve somehow found the warmth, either from his internal investigative zeal, or the squirrel carcase his parents had placed in the box with him, to press on.

Check back in the future for more previews of the best biography ever written, by the World’s Best Journalist.

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Wii Wii All the Way Home

contributed by Steve Dbrockavitch

At a press conference today, Nintendo unveiled its latest offering for the popular Wii game console.  Wii, Wii will go on sale Friday, to the delight of gamers worldwide.  “We understand that playing games on our console can be stressful,” says spokesman Gerard Volftre, “So we’ve developed new technology to remove gamers even further from the real world.”

Wii, Wii will give players the opportunity to create avatars that play their favorite Wii games on screen for them, without the stress of actually playing the game.  On screen, the avatars will sit in a virtual living room playing virtual Wii games, and gamers will only interact with the screen to maintain bathroom and snack breaks for their avatars.  And if this level of involvement becomes too burdensome, players can switch to Wii Wii Wii mode, and have the on screen avatar play Wii Wii, and control the snack breaks of its own avatar.

At the Greater Landsing Chamber of Commerce Gaming Convention, I spoke with 40 year old gaming enthusiast and unemployed plasma donor, Henry “Link” Feomast.  After showing me his new social security card with his now legal name Link Feomast, Henry spoke about Wii Wii.

“After a long day of donating plasma, I always unwind with 14 or 15 hours of gaming.  But then I start getting really stressed and I’m like, ‘man I need a break.’  That’s when I usually have some EasyMac, work on my Zelda timeline mural, and go to sleep, but now with Wii Wii, I can finally escape the rat race.”

Feomast’s excitement over the new game was somewhat tempered by his “lack of Rupees.”  Apparently, the economy has been particularly hard on plasma donors and he won’t actually be able to purchase the game unless his application to the Federal Unemployed Plasma Donor Gaming Assistance Program is approved.

After playing the game myself, at one of the many kiosks provided by Nintendo at the convention, I couldn’t help but notice that this newest game smacked of a sequel.  I suspected Wii Wii Wii Wii would be coming soon, but I couldn’t get anyone from Nintendo to comment.

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