Trans-ient Food Labels on the Outs

Contributed by Scud Langley

Washington D.C. – On Friday, the Food and Drug Administration released a statement concerning language standards in their labeling practices in response to the changing social tides since the coming out party of the former Bruce Jenner.  Though food labels and descriptions have rarely been the cause of controversy, the FDA has decided that it will no longer refer to trans fats as “trans” fats.  In a press conference explaining the recent change, spokesman Donald Murskey had this to say:

“Look, we all know that words and labels can have not only a harmful effect on the margins of society, but can also contribute to insensitivity on the part of those who have no idea that their callous use of language can lead to the “otherism” of… others.  Since we know that in the past, we have unwittingly played a small part in this barbarism, we at the Food and Drug Administration have decided that the term “trans fats” brings with it a negative stigma that we do not wish to carry over to the trans-movement at large.  As such, effective Monday, any and all labels and descriptions containing the words “trans fats” will be replaced with an as-yet-to-be-determined description that we feel will more accurately describe the fats without ostracizing a very very large portion of our communities.  We will also begin the arduous task of combing through any and all past references to this lipid and will begin scrubbing the now hateful words from memory for the sake of our future.  We just want to make sure we’re on the right side of history on this, and since we will be effectively changing history, there will only be 1 side anyway so it’s a win-win.”

The descriptions that are currently in the running to replace “trans fats” are currently “negative fats”, “sad fats”, and simply “fatty acids”.  Since the publication of these choices, however, some uproar has arisen from the slam poetry community, the gothic community, and the plus size community who believe that these new descriptions could possibly bring with them some negative connotations towards their movements as well.  Several petitions have been brought forth on change.org and small protests have been formed in various cities in response to these new descriptions.

As of publication, no decision has been made on which description will be used moving forward and a simple solution does not look to be in sight.

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