Archive for August, 2014

Man Robs Bank At Falcon-Point

East Lansing, MI – A bank heist was pulled off on Tuesday using only the power of the animal kingdom.  A man reportedly walked into the Third Bank and Trust in the five hundred block of Taft Avenue in East Lansing, with a blinded falcon on his forearm, and demanded that the clerk give him the contents of three specific safe deposit boxes, registered to Peter Pan, Archie Bunker, and Linus van Pelt, respectively.

According to the clerk, a Ms. Abigail Cartwright, when she asked to see some identification, the unmasked man said, “I think this will suffice” gesturing to the falcon.  Then, when she tried to call a manager to see what the bank’s policy on using birds of prey as identification, the robber reached over the counter, took the phone out of her hand, and began to make threats.  As recounted by Ms. Cartwright, and confirmed by surveillance video, the alleged thief launched into a soliloquy, in which he threatened to, “release the unfettered fury of this mighty beast on the very soul of this establishment.”  Which fury, he said, would, “render this building into a pile of rubble indistinguishable from any pile of rubble anywhere in the world, and you will find yourselves in solidarity with men and women weeping over those piles of rubble, as you weep over this one.  Some of you may be familiar with the capacity of the Peregrine Falcon’s ability to raze a building before you can remember if the moon will be waxing or waning this evening, but I’ll wager most of you are not so familiar as you shall soon be.  As you look on in disbelief, in horror, indeed possibly even in macabre fascination, this fell beast will tear at the fabric of this structure in such a way that it’s designer will feel a pain in his bowels.  This bird will ensure that I get satisfaction, I will exact my pound of flesh.”

As he was speaking, someone returned from the back with the boxes, each of which apparently containing exactly one third of a pound of raw ground Emu.  The man then swept the contents of the boxes into a canvas bag labeled, “Luncheon Meat,” bid everyone in the room a “good eve,” and walked out, calmly fleeing the scene in a renovated school bus.

Police have asked if anyone has any information on the whereabouts of Peter Pan, Archie Bunker, or Linus van Pelt, to contact the CRIME TIPS line.

*As of press time, it could not be confirmed where PFN correspondent Scud Langley had lunch on Tuesday.

 

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Above The Fruited Plain: Vandals Bolster American Sentiment

Lincoln, NE – A new fad has taken root in the graveyard enthusiast community; tired old headstones are getting a facelift.  Volunteers with a local group are sneaking into cemeteries all over the city in the dead of night to paint the monuments with bright colors and add cheerful decorations. 

“We just feel that the grey monolith has run its course.” says Lemonn Gentworth, president of the Graveyard Rejuvinators International: Midwest, otherwise known as GRIM.  “There’s no reason people looking at a cemetery should ever be reminded of death, and nothing says “death” like ugly grey rocks sticking up out of the ground.  With a little paint and maybe some tasteful dolphin figurines, cemeteries might become a place so removed from the awful stigma of death that you could host a toddler’s birthday party, or have a bat mitten tourney, or sell puppies to homeless people, or whatever.  The possibilities are really endless.”   To date, Gentworth and his volunteers have “colorfied” (the official GRIM term) about 100 graves in and around Lincoln, with plans to move on about 250 more. 

While it should be noted that these activities are viewed as vandalism under the law (punishable by death in North Korea) and there has been some outcry from concerned citizens, PFN News spoke to at least one man who welcomed the change.  I visited Jarvis Wayne II on the back porch of his humble farmhouse on the outskirts of town, overlooking his neighbor’s fields, and the family graveyard that lies just beyond the white picket fence around the backyard.  “Well I was actually pretty shocked at first.”  Wayne told me. “I just woke up one morning and saw all of my ancestors had a coat of yellow paint on the headstones.  I called my preacher just to make sure you know, there wasn’t anything untoward about it, you know with the dead and all that.  And then I called the hospital to make sure they would tell those ambulance helicopter pilots that I did not have a landing pad in my back yard, what with the yellow and all.  After that, the more I thought about it, I guess it was really OK.  I think Grandpa Jarvis might even have liked it, you know with the yellow and all.”

Indeed as we sipped iced tea on the back porch, this reporter could not help but appreciate a scene as American as any.  The sun setting on the horizon, illuminating the Amber Graves of Wayne. 

PFN News – Steve Dbrockavitch

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