Archive for September, 2013

Wisdom from Ransom Langley

Contributed by Scud Langley

Somewhere in East Texas – Occasionally my uncle, Ransom Langley will offer his thoughts on current events and give his wisdom and insight into which direction our country should go.  In the area of the current debt crisis, he had this to say:

I used to know this guy down south of Kirbyville who’d give a man a nickel apiece for nutria rats.  Now back in those days, you could take nutria rats down to the courthouse and get 3 cents a quarter-weight.  A man that would give 5 cents apiece was hurtin’ pretty bad for some nutria rats so me and my brothers were more than happy to take his money.  Anyway, this one time while I was heading down to the banks of the Neches river to rustle up a few nutria rats, I spotted a guy sitting on a bucket with a raccoon in his lap.  I spotted a purple Crown Royal pouch in the coon’s hand so I asked the man,

“Excuse me, mister.  What do you figure that coon’s got in that satchel.”

He replied,

“Don’t know.  Haven’t asked him.”

A coon had swiped my daddy’s tobacco off the back porch a few weeks prior and I figured the odds of finding another coon with such a pouch were pretty slim.  I asked the man,

“If you don’t mind, I’d like to ask that coon a few questions about his satchel.  A similar lookin’ coon stole my daddy’s tobacco and I’ve been looking for him ever since.”

He was more than happy to oblige because stealing a man’s tobacco in those days was a shootin’ offense.  As I started over his way, he jumped up in a yaupon bush and threw the pouch into the river.  Now you don’t just stand there and watch your daddy’s tobacco float down the river without doing something about it and I knew my daddy wouldn’t be too happy to find out his tobacco went swimming downstream while I stood there like a slack-jawed idiot.  I quickly dropped my trousers and dove in after it.  When I finally got it ashore, I opened it up and to my surprise found 2 squirrel pelts and a bottle of Epsom salt.  I asked the man,

“Now, if he knew there wasn’t any tobacco in that bag, why did he go on and toss it into the river when I came at him?”

The man replied,

“Well, you know how squirrel pelts get.  If you don’t keep ’em moist and rub in Epsom salt every couple of days, you might as well forget about making a good coin purse.  Ol’ Rusty here was afraid you were gonna take his squirrel pelts and let ’em get all dried out.  I can’t say I blame him the way you were carrying on.”

I didn’t make much money that day.

– Ransom Langley


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Bear Maulings Sweep PFN News Headquarters

Contributed by Scud Langley

Broken Bow, OK – A rash of severe injuries have plagued PFN News Headquarters in the past two months, leaving employees scratching their heads.  Several have been treated for lacerations and deep bruises and many have threatened to quit.  Ted Mosely, chief editor of offline content had this to say:

We’re all confused and saddened by these recent events.  Doctors say the injuries are consistent with bear maulings, but no bear maulings have been authorized by PFN News or any of its subsidiaries.  We intend to hire a very expensive private investigator to get to the bottom of this issue.

This issue remains, as of yet, unresolved.

In other news, playground equipment has been added to our onsite bear range so employees can bring their children during lunch.

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contributed by Steve Dbrockavitch

Broken Bow, OK – At a time when most “news” organizations are moving all of their content to the digital world, PFN News plans to spin convention on its head and release a print edition starting in 2014.

“It’s a natural progression really.”

says PFN News Co-Founder, Co-CEO, and Executive Vice President of Content, Steve Dbrockavitch in a statement released Monday. PFN News was unable to obtain the text of the statement, but we did receive a handwritten outline of the statement, with all of the content redacted except the above quote, and the cassette tape used by Mr. Dbrockavitch’s personal amanuenses to transcribe the statement, but were unable to print any of this material as they were “off the record.”

However, for the purposes of this article, we rummaged through the garbage and found several sheets from a legal pad which led us to believe the print edition of PFN News will consist of two cost effective forms.

1. Graffiti in major metropolitan markets will be whitewashed and subsequently covered with PFN News content. This will include but not be limited to railcars, overpasses, bathroom walls and vehicles with dust on the back windows.
2. For our rural readers who will not encounter the graffiti, we will ask them to print PFN News content onto standard printer paper and read it from the comfort of their easy chair, chaise lounge, futon, or any piece of furniture.

Only time will tell how quickly other “news” “organizations” will jump on this bandwagon, however, the results of a recent PFN News office poll predict 2 to 50 years.

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