Archive for July, 2013

Bear range opening at PFN News Headquarters

Contributed by Scud Langley

Though rife with financial woes, on occasion, PFN News is able to spoil its employees with new on-site amenities to compliment the already popular gun range and trampoline stations.  Though stuck in sub-committee for the past 3 years and never green-lit by the Texas Parks & Wildlife Association, it is my great pleasure to announce that beginning next week, our on-site bear range will be open and fully accessible to all associates currently or formerly employed by PFN News.

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What is a bear range, you ask?  And what do you do at a bear range?  Both are certainly legitimate questions.

Above, you’ll notice our first resident, Vince Vaughn.  He was captured out of the Kentucky Land Reservoir and Rose Emporium where he was tranquilized and then transported in the back of a 1978 Chevrolet pickup under a tarp to our headquarters.  There was a slight scare when Reynaldo was pulled over for a missing tail light but the state trooper never bothered to look under the tarp and we were on our way to having that bear range everyone has dreamed of.

Now that the PFN News Headquarters Bear Range and Youpon Emporium is fully functional, we will have to say goodbye to copy editor Erick Nance whose office we had to bulldoze to make way for the 237 acres of open bear country necessary for Vince Vaughn to roam uninhibited.  Mr. Nance’s office wasn’t located on the bear range, but the backhoe we rented to dig a hole for Vince to play in accidentally knocked a hole in his wall during transit and we didn’t have to funds to rebuild the 10×10 shed he was working in.

We wish Erick all the best in his future endeavors.

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Little Rock looking to make a big splash

Contributed by Scud Langley

As has become the current trend, many companies are attempting to re-brand their product with hip new logos that include lower case letters and apostrophes and hip lingo that says to today’s generation, hey bros, you should totally check out our product.

Not to be outdone, Little Rock, Arkansas is considering a change to their name in order to bring in young hipsters that will jazz up the place.  Though not set in stone, the city council is currently considering a change from Little Rock to lil’ rok.  Local councilman Ted Drummond had this to say:

Little Rock has been a great name for our city in the past but we had to ask ourselves; how can we get that key 18-34 demographic interested in a middle-of-the-road city in Arkansas?  At first we considered creating a city park where we would display all of the littlest rocks we could find in the surrounding area to promote public interest.  When we realized that idea was completely moronic (not to mention the thought of vandalism with all those tiny rocks), we instead consulted a 40-year-old teacher from Hot Springs to get some insight into the younger generation’s mind.  We found out later that she was only a 3rd grade teacher but we figured why not?  You don’t live more than twice or something, as the kids say these days.  Nonetheless, she advised us on changing the name to lil’ rok because, you know, that’s what kids are into nowadays so we agreed.  We plan on putting the name change up to a vote next week in order for the public to have a say.

It is unclear at this time whether or not the name change will go into effect but the general manager of the local Hot Topic store seemed encouraged and/or apathetic.  We couldn’t really tell.

Editors note: The original posting of this story included an almost complete misprint of councilman Drummond’s statement where not only was the council’s original idea incorrect, but the mention of the firing and subsequent rehiring of 4 city workers apparently never occurred.  Our field office in Little Rock had originally given us the correct quote that is seen here, but a guy from Branson, Missouri who happened to be in town gave us the additional information that was initially posted and our official policy is to not question statements from Branson.  Turns out, the guy was actually from nearby Eureka Springs, Arkansas.  Our official policy is to question all statements from Eureka Springs but our dialect expert apparently mistook his obvious Eureka Springs drawl for a Branson twang which led to the whole ordeal.  Since our dialect expert is PFN News co-founder Scud Langley, no disciplinary action was deemed necessary.  The story has been corrected.

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