Crossbow Fight Ensues; Participants Fired

Contributed by Scud Langley

Last Thursday at PFN News Headquarters (PFNNH), a dispute erupted between mail stamp applications developer Geno Tucci and foreign relations consultant Patrick Swanson that led to a confrontation in the parking lot where nobody was injured*.

As work began to pile up, Geno and Patrick decided to play an 8 man game of Age of Empires online. In the beginning, it was agreed that each would adopt a neutral stance towards the other until after 24 minutes of gameplay, after which each would attack the player counter-clockwise to them until only their 2 civilizations remained.

However, Patrick failed to realize that Geno’s Hittite civilization was directly clockwise to his Phoenician base. When the 24 minutes was up, Patrick sent his army of war elephants and hoplites to destroy the Sumerians next door while Geno demolished his base with chariots and catapults.

As Patrick’s civilization slowly dwindled, an argument ensued with the men almost coming to blows. While Geno was distracted, Patrick hit Escape on his computer and resigned, forcing Geno to lose the game. Geno immediately declared crossbows at 4:00 and stormed into the parking lot. The duel was delayed momentarily as it took until 5:27 for the men to procure a couple of crossbows from Academy.

As a crowd gathered, both men attempted to draw their crossbows back, but neither could muster up enough strength. Patrick got the closest but before he could get it drawn all the way back, the bowstring shot forward, throwing the bolt skyward. Unfortunately, a buzzard flying overhead was struck in the clavicle sending it towards the ground where it was killed on impact.

Our very own outdoors consultant Seldom Lavergne quickly field dressed and quartered the bird before the meat spoiled while both Patrick and Geno were escorted off campus by PFN News Security who had curiously watched the whole scene play out without intervening.

Both men were immediately relieved of their duties at PFN News and their crossbows were confiscated and “stored” at one Scud Langley’s storage facility (a hole in his back yard).

While Geno Tucci was quickly replaced by a stamp robot, a new foreign relations consultant has not been hired as of yet. The 2 crossbows were filed on a PFN News expense report and coincidentally costed the same as a year’s salary for said position.

* While no injuries initially occurred, the buzzard was apparently carrying a vial of Neosporin which was intended to make it to Hoboken, New Jersey by 6:15 pm. A local man had cut his foot on a broken glass bottle and his wound became infected without the salve, which led to his foot being amputated. The case is currently tied up in local courts.

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  1. #1 by PFN News on October 30, 2012 - 9:16 pm

    It’s so obvious it’s hardly worth mentioning but, I suspect the PFN News company Thanksgiving feast will feature some incarnation of cured carrion bird, and War Elephant carcass ragout.

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