Archive for October, 2012

Crossbow Fight Ensues; Participants Fired

Contributed by Scud Langley

Last Thursday at PFN News Headquarters (PFNNH), a dispute erupted between mail stamp applications developer Geno Tucci and foreign relations consultant Patrick Swanson that led to a confrontation in the parking lot where nobody was injured*.

As work began to pile up, Geno and Patrick decided to play an 8 man game of Age of Empires online. In the beginning, it was agreed that each would adopt a neutral stance towards the other until after 24 minutes of gameplay, after which each would attack the player counter-clockwise to them until only their 2 civilizations remained.

However, Patrick failed to realize that Geno’s Hittite civilization was directly clockwise to his Phoenician base. When the 24 minutes was up, Patrick sent his army of war elephants and hoplites to destroy the Sumerians next door while Geno demolished his base with chariots and catapults.

As Patrick’s civilization slowly dwindled, an argument ensued with the men almost coming to blows. While Geno was distracted, Patrick hit Escape on his computer and resigned, forcing Geno to lose the game. Geno immediately declared crossbows at 4:00 and stormed into the parking lot. The duel was delayed momentarily as it took until 5:27 for the men to procure a couple of crossbows from Academy.

As a crowd gathered, both men attempted to draw their crossbows back, but neither could muster up enough strength. Patrick got the closest but before he could get it drawn all the way back, the bowstring shot forward, throwing the bolt skyward. Unfortunately, a buzzard flying overhead was struck in the clavicle sending it towards the ground where it was killed on impact.

Our very own outdoors consultant Seldom Lavergne quickly field dressed and quartered the bird before the meat spoiled while both Patrick and Geno were escorted off campus by PFN News Security who had curiously watched the whole scene play out without intervening.

Both men were immediately relieved of their duties at PFN News and their crossbows were confiscated and “stored” at one Scud Langley’s storage facility (a hole in his back yard).

While Geno Tucci was quickly replaced by a stamp robot, a new foreign relations consultant has not been hired as of yet. The 2 crossbows were filed on a PFN News expense report and coincidentally costed the same as a year’s salary for said position.

* While no injuries initially occurred, the buzzard was apparently carrying a vial of Neosporin which was intended to make it to Hoboken, New Jersey by 6:15 pm. A local man had cut his foot on a broken glass bottle and his wound became infected without the salve, which led to his foot being amputated. The case is currently tied up in local courts.


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“When I See Horns, Katy-bar the Outdoor!” – Seldom Lavergne

Contributed by one, Seldom Lavergne
Finally, the long awaited weekend is upon us.  Most Outdoorsmen have struggled through the last 11 months, unable to fulfill man’s most basic need – to kill an ungulate.  Due to the concerns of “ecologists,” “hippies,” and probably “pharmacists” too, man is no longer free to pursue and slay any deer that crosses his path, at any time of year, by any effectual means relevant to the situation.  We’ve all heard it, it’s the same old song every time.

“Oh not in April!” they say.  “You might hurt the flowers.”

“Oh not in June or July, it’s so hot, we might sweat in our panties!”

“Oh not in August!  So much death already with the leaves, must we add to it?”

“Oh not in September, in a Kroger parking lot, with a trebuchet*!  They would never do that in Finland.”

Blah, blah, blah, waah, waah, waah.  That’s why babies never get to be president.

Nevertheless, when the clock strikes midnight on opening day, you can bet I’ll be there with bells on.  And at 12:01, if you hear a bunch of bells ringing, you’ll know Outdoors just happened

*I’ve looked at ever law on the book and there is actually nothing illegal about killing deer with siege weapons.  I did contact Kroger’s customer service department, but did not get a response.

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PFN News Endorses Presidential Cantidate: Game Changed

Broken Bow, OK

It is a known fact that the endorsement of a political candidate by a major news organization can have weighty effects on election outcomes.  Throughout American political history, the influence of journalists has played such a weighty role in election outcomes, that entire media enterprises have been built on the premise of decrying the effects of national media on elections.

In principal, PFN News rejects the notion of politically biased election coverage, and we make every effort possible to cover elections objectively, scrubbed clean of opinion and bias.  However, in political climates such as the one we face this cycle, force our hand and we must influence the election in any way possible.  We must now, for the good of the country, levy our considerable social capital for the good of our fellow man; the cost of inaction is simply too great.

That is why we are officially offering our endorsement of Emollient Fécal for the office of  President.  Neither of the two National Parties offered a candidate who is skilled in falconry and goat husbandry.  In this case the old French proverb, passed on to Mr. Fécal by his grandfather, proves true:

*Assistant Web Developer Garth Holotzer was charged with uploading a photo of Mr. Emollient Fecal. Unfortunately, Mr. Holotzer took a personal day to participate in a pharmaceutical study of the effects of vitamin B on Dysentery, and the only photo we had available was of famed pop singer Kenny Loggins.

“Si on ne peut pas bien gouverner un troupeau de chèvres et a entrailles irréguliers, comment pourrait-il gouverner la nation?”

That is:

“If one cannot rule well a herd of goats and has irregular bowels, how shall he rule the nation?”

America, consider the game changed.

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