Archive for September, 2012
Contributed by Scud Langley
Over the past few months, there has been an alarming increase in the number of bears found in public and private areas. Homes, college campuses, and playgrounds have all played host to bears around the country and many are wondering why.
According to some sources, the bears have started their own “Occupy” movement around the country to protest the national parks asking patrons not to feed them. To show their displeasure with these draconian measures, bears have shown up on public and private property and have climbed into trees as a protest of sorts. Unfortunately, the bears underestimated the power of man’s tranquilizer gun and many have been shot out of the trees and released back into the wild.
Due to the overwhelming failure of the protest to garner any interest in the bears’ plight, it is certain to be lost in the annals of history. As the bears return to their honey pots, their movement is more or less symbolized by the countless images of tranquilized bears falling unconciously out of a tree.
Contributed by Scud Langley
The Big Thicket Undisclosed National Forest – Both of our fans here at PFN News have been inquiring extensively about my whereabouts for the past 8 to 10 months. By inquiring, I mean that nobody entered my “Where In Southeast Texas Did Scud Langley Go?” sweepstakes. And since nobody entered it, nobody won the Ka Bar Buck knife autographed by Swaminathan S. Anklesaria Aiyar, Research Fellow, Center for Global Liberty and Prosperity from the Cato Institute. I have since given the knife to my attack falcon, Barry Goldwater.
Back in January, I requested a 6 month furlough from my duties with PFN News. It took until March for our staff to figure out what “furlough” meant, which is why I am only recently returning. I decided to take some time off to attempt to uncover the lost Zapatas de las Panteras supposedly thrown off of Ecores Rouges Cliff by Hernando de Soto. Four months into the expedition, Barry Goldwater and I discovered via Wikipedia that Hernando de Soto never actually ventured into the Ozarks. Apparently, using the internet to find hidden treasure in the Ozarks wasn’t one of my better thought out endeavors.
Upon returning home, I discovered a letter at my door from the United States government informing me that squatting would not be allowed in public timberland and that a warrant would be issued for my arrest. Suspecting foul play, I decided to relocate to another undisclosed location where I could continue to enjoy the blessings of life, liberty, and property (public or otherwise). It has taken me until recently to retrieve all of my guns from a shed in Doris Clinart’s back yard (unbeknownst to her) so I have been indisposed as of late.
Due to legal and budgetary reasons, PFN News has been unable to replace me in my absence and is legally obligated to accept me back into the fold.
Welcome back, Scud.