Archive for August, 2012
Broken Bow, OK — Here at PFN News, we believe transparency is the penultimate quality of a news organization (we reserve the top spot for skill in falconry). Unlike some “so” “called” “media” “outlets,” we never make back room deals, slander actual people, or refuse to disclose our sources. We have taken our commitment to transparency so far that we revealed our internet password to the public back in 2007, allowing anyone who might be interested to access our files. We knew this policy would have its drawbacks, but we calculated the gains in integrity would outweigh any complications we might encounter. This turned out to be more problematic than we anticipated. In the two days before we reinstated a new password, we had all manner of inaccurate, politically biased, anti-goat articles posted as authentic PFN material, not to mention the general filth and off scouring that showed up in various places all over the website.
After consulting the board, we decided to put a password back in place and deal with whatever fallout may occur. We hired world renowned password encryption specialist Dave “Russel” Jones to create an impenetrable defense against would be detractors and defilers. For a nominal fee of $42,843 (we later found out this was an exorbitant amount and wrote into our charter a restriction on future IT services of $25), Mr. Jones handcrafted a 26 character password which he then translated into binary, then to Mandarin Chinese, then back to English. With all these levels of encryption, we were sure this would give us the security we were looking for.
Unfortunately, after all the translations, the rendered password in English was “12345” which held strong until yesterday. A 14 year old Azerbaijanian girl blasted through our defenses and posted the article you may have read yesterday. As appalled as we were by this infraction, we were against a hard print deadline and decided to leave her article on the page, and claim it as our own. This is transparency at its finest.
Here at PFN News, we care about the little people, the simple man, Joe Usual. To that end, we like to interview random
peasant folk from time to time. Here is a great quote from a man named Vanderbilt Gershner whom we met in a Dairy Queen in Monticello, Arkansas.
“This is a story my father told me when I was twelve:
Son, when I was your age, The Times was harder. Seriously, since that time they have decreased the thickness of page and the overall paper density by 35%. I know that’s true because when I encounter a small rat in the hearth in the evening and, after enjoying his company for a time but growing weary of his less-than-rapier wit (I believe the wit of most rodents I would liken to a steak knife at a franchise restaurant at best), I throw the sports section at him and he scurries about like a rodent is wont to do, I notice that the sound of the paper hitting the stone does not frighten the canaries in the way that it once did.
The Times was so hard back then, lawn gnomes and single-paned storm doors lived in mortal fear of the paper boy. I know this is true because I am facebook “friends” with a retired paper boy from Oklahoma.
You know son, the one who the other day posted this delectable bit of gossip:
So I was talking to a man on the street about a bicycler in Norman, OK [who I believe said something along the lines of, “There is a man who rides his bike to University every day, and I think as he drove by he said, ‘While I am still doing fat math and lazy internet research from my recliner, On average (according to my bike riding app(lication (Caleb))) I burn 260 calories every day on my bike to and from work (approx. 6 miles or so).'” but i can’t be sure] and I noticed that he smelled funny. …aaaand the world exploded.
Yes he’s the one. He’s the most trustworthy retired paperboy I’ve ever known. In fact, I take down his every word when we speak and have it engraved in marble on my back porch – the future delight of some anthropologist no doubt.”