Archive for December, 2011
Contributed by Scud Langley
Undisclosed National Forest – With the Republican race for a nominee hitting a fever-pitch in the past 6 months, PFN News has received upwards of 3 calls during that time period from constituents inquiring on whom our organization plans on endorsing as an opponent for President Obama. A poll was officially taken amongst our 14 staff members to see who the frontrunner amongst PFN News was. Since nobody seemed to have an official list of who the actual presidential hopefuls were, each member was asked to write in who they believe is the current frontrunner. The results were as follows:
William Howard Taft – 37%
Harrison Ford – 2%
*Stelv Jobs – 7.14%
Ray Stevens – 42%
Kansas – 11.86%
* This poll was taken the week before former editor Raul Ortega was fired.
I didn’t actually take part in this poll as I believe it violates the 4th amendments’ protection from unreasonable search and seizure, but I would endorse a candidate if he supported squatter’s rights, falconry legalization in all 50 states, protection from Indian raids, and the right to refuse a social security number. I currently take part in each of these so it would be nice if they were legal.
It’s the time of year when bloggers everywhere stop posting new material and recycle their “best” material of the year. As a news organization, we at PFN News keep our finger ever on the pulse of the blogosphere, so Ronald Gorbit, our official Web Scourer, “soured” the web, taking a sample survey of one blog, and found, by extrapolation, that fully 100% of blogs are posting “Best of” material.
He also concluded from his research that 100% of blogs: contain hand drawn scenes from the Bible and lite biblical commentary which is often witty, and decidedly pastoral, invite readers to submit drawings of their own, recently underwent “construction” to become “self-hosted,” have photos of the author and other patrons of the Jasper Air Show on the homepage, and are authored by someone named Jared Hollier.
While these findings are certainly interesting, in hindsight Mr. Gorbit has informed us that he believes that a one blog survey might not yield results sufficient to speak accurately about the entire blogosphere. This revelation came when Mr. Gorbit stumbled upon another blog* that was neither authored by anyone named “Jared” or “Hollier,” nor did it invite readers to submit material. This led Mr. Gorbit to believe that “the blogoshpere may be larger and more diverse than we initially thought. It may be that there are blogs containing hand-drawn pictures of subject matter other than biblical, and there may even be some that extend beyond the reach of flight enthusiasts in Jasper County, Texas.”
*Note: webmasters at PFN News have recently learned how to add hyperlinks that appear as highlighted text, and are using this technique as often as possible.
PFN News News:
Last month, PFN News correspondent Scud Langley reported on the firing of former news editor Raul Ortega. While this was, no doubt, unfortunate for Mr. Ortega, it has proven to be somewhat of a windfall for PFN. Not only did we rid the organization of a less than profitable associate, but we also loosed ourselves from his 5 year, $20,000 contract (which, as was stated therein, is voided upon termination), effectively freeing up 78% of our operating budget.
After hours of deliberation, the Board Members decided unanimously to appropriate $5,000 to pay off a couple of car title loans we had taken out during particularly trying season of the news business. Last year, our advertiser pulled their support and we were forced to borrow against both vehicles owned by our company in order to fund the breaking news coverage, and underwrite the construction of Mr. Langley’s personal ham radio tower.
The remaining $15,000 was used to hire the newest member of our team, Stephano Grehrs, as the Official Trumpeter of PFN News. Mr. Grehrs holds a B.A. in Accordion Theory from The University of Minsk, and completed his post-graduate studies in Vienna, earning an M.F.A. for his work in transcribing the sound of running water into conventional music notation, and then composing a sonata for bassoon based on the mono-tonal themes he derived from his research. Mr. Grehrs soon left his academic career and spent the 90’s playing flute in jazz/Tibetan chant fusion bands all over the Pacific Northwest. He then landed the coveted position of “Minstrel of Record” for NPR News where he stayed until we lured him to PFN with the promise of focusing on trumpet, and free use either the El Camino, or the other El Camino (recently secured by the aforementioned loan payment), at his discretion.
So far, the only assigned duties of the Official Trumpeter of NPR News are, playing “Flight of the Bumblebee” every morning via conference call, playing Taps at the funeral of any PFN associate who may die during his tenure, and softly playing “America the Beautiful” as Steve Dbrockavitch steps off the plane on any foreign soil. Other duties may be assigned at a later date.
Note: A search for “Minstrel of Record” on the NPR website did not yield anything on Mr. Grehrs’ service there, having apparently been purged from their records.
I have here an example of the Mandarin notes and Dave’s rough translation for those who might be interested in such a thing.
The raw field notes:
And Dave’s rendering:
From time to time, we get our special of letters from readers. You may have read my colleague, Mr. Langley posted here, and that we are dedicated to the reader to confirm. I have carved my busy, world travel, schedule a few minutes to break the story to answer some of my own fan mail. Now to be precise, I have not received any “real” fan mail, but I wrote a sample letter, like I assume you have written, but was shy and send a response.
It is how you awesome?
I think I started my awesomeness of the news in detail. I have my every single piece, to ensure the highest levels of accuracy, so I the world’s largest correspondent in one of many factors follow a strict writing program. Gallop, canter, fly eagle of the plain. Take wing upon thy indefatigable hoofed sails and return to yonder lofty home from whence thou camest. Oh that I should avenge thee! Many foes buffet thy countenance and lay waste to thy home, and yet there are none to give ear, none to mourn, none to weep. Bereft am I of the hope of your recompense.
First, I started by hand-made Chinese rice paper roll on my field notes, with a pen. Oh wail! Oh, weep! Oh, kind of wild ponies western United States, how I will revenge you. When I get the notes, in Broken Bow office, I note Polaroid snapshot, and has a secret place in the drug store to scan and digitize. Digital copy, and then mailed to Dave in the translation of hundreds of floppy disks. Dave, and Urdu, Russian and English fluently, do not know Chinese, so he must be deliberately with the Google translation tool for those in my handwritten characters. Available in English translation, and a legal pad control is copied, mailed to the editor of the Chen way people, fortunately, know that China and in the translation process of cleaning up any possible confusion. The finished cable is then returned to me than my original notes and wrong erosion. If there is any change made to check any facts or corroborations collect these things at this stage. Typically, after further investigation, I discovered that most of my original notes is wrong information or rumor-bit, or at least on one occasion, passionate ode to the plight of American Mustang. At this point all the impurities are removed, the rest is found in your original news PFN news manifesti
From time to time we get letters from our dedicated readers. You may have already read the responses my colleague Mr. Langley posted here, and noted our dedication to reader acknowledgement. I have carved out a few minutes from my busy, world-traveling, story-breaking schedule to answer some of my own fan mail. Now to be precise, I haven’t received any “actual” fan mail, but I have written a sample letter, the likes of which I assume you all have written but been to shy to send, and responded to it in kind.
How is it you’re so awesome?
I consider my awesomeness to begin at my attention to journalistic detail. I have a strict writing regimen that I follow with every single piece that ensures the highest level of accuracy, one of the many contributing factors that make me the greatest journalist in the world.
First, I begin by taking down all of my field notes in Mandarin Chinese, on a scroll of hand-crafted rice paper, using a fountain pen. When I get the notes back to the office in Broken Bow, I take Polaroid snapshots of the notes and have them scanned and digitized at an undisclosed local drug store. The digital copies then get mailed to Dave in translation on a few hundred floppy discs. Dave, while fluent in Urdu, Russian, and English, doesn’t know Chinese, so he must painstakingly match my handwritten characters with those available in the Google Translate tool. The rendered English translation then gets copied on a regulation legal pad, and mailed to Chan Lu in editing who, fortunately knows Chinese and cleans up any confusion that may have happened during translation. Sot’s finished product then gets mailed back to me to be compared with my original notes and scoured for errors. If there are any changes to be made, any facts to check or corroborations collect, these things take place at this stage. Often, upon further investigation, I find that the bulk of my original notes are full of erroneous information or bits of hearsay or, at least on one occasion, emotionally charged odes to the plight of the American Mustang. At this point all of the impurities are purged and what remains is the pristine journalistic manifesti that you find at PFN News.