Archive for November, 2011

PFN News Produces Newest Candidate for Unemployment Benefits

Contributed by Scud Langley
 
PFN News Headquarters – While the rock solid staff of PFN News works hard to maintain an appearance of consistency and attempts to stay just a shade north of reproach, a few desperados occasionally slip in.  Such was the case with our most recent editor, Raul Ortega.  While we appreciated his live chickens around the office, his complete lack of ability to perform his duties successfully forced us to let him go. 
 
Although we were able to look past Raul allowing the wingding font to slip in on a few of our publications as well as his failure to capture 137 instances of the word “booger” in our most recent issue of PFN News Quarterly (which was the result of our previous editor sabotaging our publications during his last week*), we were unable to look past his consistent misspellings of senior reporter Steve Dbrockavitch’s name.  
 
When the first report that Raul edited was contributed to a Steev Dbrockavitch, our staff wrote it off as a missprint and gave a stern warning.  When subsequent publications included the name Steif Dbrockavitch, Raul’s onsite gun range privileges were sequestered and a reprimand was given, informing him that he needed to get his act straight or face the consequences.  The last straw came when Steve D.’s award winning coverage of the afghan rug scandal in the Des Moines Lion’s Club was contributed to a Steam Dbrockavitch.  Raul was handed his walking papers the next day.
 
This marks the 12th editor PFN News has had to let go due to incompetence this year.
 
*Marcus Lowery, PFN News’ chief editor from 10/3/2011 – 11/10/2011, was fired for his inability to properly use Microsoft Works^ during the editing process.
 
^PFN News still uses Windows 98 for all publications and cannot acquire Microsoft Office due to budget constraints and hardware limitations.


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Dbrockavitch Ghost-Writes Autobiography

In anticipation of the long awaited, self-ghost-written biography of our very own Steve Dbrockavitch, entitled, Dbrockavitch v. World:  The Incredible Life of the World’s Best Journalist, we’ll be previewing the book over the next several years.  Here is a small excerpt from his early life.

Chapter One

Nothing forges the necessary tempered spine of a journalist like childhood adversity, and the treacherous slopes of his native Braatislava provided the very fires that made Steve Dbrockavitch the man he is today.

Born on a bitter cold, October night, Baby Steve was subjected to the customary Braatislavan practice of placing newborn babies under the torrid rump of a nesting vulture.  There is little warmth to be found in the whole wretched wasteland, and Basil and Yerba Dbrockavitch wanted the absolute best for their son that their country had to offer.  There, nestled amongst the soon to be hatched carrion fiends, Young Steve knew the warmth he felt was not just from the body of Mother Vulture, or the steaming squirrel carcase nearby, but the flames of investigative zeal burning in his tiny bosom.

Unfortunately, the early warmth of the vulture brood would be the last He would experience for a long time.  By his fifth birthday, the vulture clan had multiplied itself into a veritable winged army, and staged a coupe against the Dbrockavitch family, forcing them to abandon the barren hillside, and flee to the equally barren Braatislavan Valley.  There, Basil and Yerba made a decision that would change the life of their son forever.  They knew the desolate wasteland was no place to raise a child, so they placed their son in a wooden box, fashioned a sail atop the box, shoved the makeshift craft off into the treacherous waters that pound the coast of Braatislava, and hoped for the best.

Alone on the open sea, five year old Steve somehow found the warmth, either from his internal investigative zeal, or the squirrel carcase his parents had placed in the box with him, to press on.

Check back in the future for more previews of the best biography ever written, by the World’s Best Journalist.

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