contributed by Scud Langley
Undisclosed National Forest – Since becoming a journalist for a nationally renowned news organization such as PFN News, I have received quite a bit of fan mail. Most of these letters wind up in my incinerator before I read them and since my email account is set up to automatically delete emails with “yo dude” or “hey bro” in the subject, very little mail is ever processed. However, as a favor to the PFNation, I have decided to post a few letters and emails that either slipped out of the incinerator before combustion or somehow got past my system of filters. Without further adieu, here goes:
Carl — Carlsbad, New Mexico:
I need your actual address so that I can come pick up that mountain lion mount. I can’t enter”undisclosed location” into my GPS. Would you please disclose your whereabouts?
The short answer to your request is “no”. The somewhat longer answer is that if I were to disclose my whereabouts, not only could I no longer claim an “undisclosed national forest” as my residence, but I could also no longer receive tax breaks for “undisclosed farmland” that I allegedly use.
Rico — Providence, Rhode Island:
hey man i saw ur ad on cragslist for that mount of a mountain lion with a scimitar do u stil hav it i can offer u a crankshaft from a 78 cj5 jeep let me kno
Unfortunately for you, I already sold that mount to a gentleman from Carlsbad, New Mexico for an undisclosed sum and some goat shears.
Frank — Washington, D.C.:
It has come to our attention that on your previous tax return, you filed for tax exemptions for feral livestock grazing land for six different states and two provinces in Canada as well as a farming exemption for a grain silo in Isla Nublar. Not only are you not allowed to file for feral animal grazing land (much less for land outside the country), but Isla Nublar is just a fictional island from the book Jurassic Park. These fraudulent exemptions have forced us to begin a formal investigation of your claims.
Please contact our office within the next 72 hours or a warrant for your arrest will be submitted.
Yes Frank, I agree that the new format for our website has made navigation somewhat easier. And I’ll have to try that pheasant recipe when I get home.
Sissy — Tupelo, Mississippi:
Hey Scud, what organizations are you a member of?
P.S. Why is that question worth $20 to you?
The list would be too long to print in such a short article, but the least secretive organizations include the East Lansing Falconry Club, NASA (North American Sniper Association), the Lockman Foundation, the Southeast Texas Fellowship of Sasquatch Enthusiasts United (not to be confused with the East Texas Reformed Bigfoot Association of America), the Willamette Valley Feral Pygmy Goat Association, Squirrel Hunters of America, the Louisiana Black Bear Habitat Rehabilitation Foundation, Save the Talons, and Pottery Barn.
Grant — Flint, Michigan:
Steve, I can’t tell you how big a fan I am of-
I pulled this letter out of one of our feral boer goats’ mouth, so most of it was eaten by the time I got to it. I think what he was about to say was, “Steve, I can’t tell you how big a fan I am of Scud”. I couldn’t agree more, Grant.
That’s all the letters I could find for today. Keep sending me letters and I might even pick the best one and send them my copy of 1984 in Deutch signed by the Potentate of Lichtenfels Germany, Deiter Flammenstadt.