Unicyclist Enters Tour De France

contributed by Steve Dbrockavitch

Paris, France — Tour De France watchers will notice something remarkably different about the race this year.  On Tuesday, board members agreed, by unanimous vote, to allow unicycles in the race.  In the 108 year history of the race, the Board has repeatedly kept at bay such efforts to revolutionize competitive cycling, “but with the dawn of a new century now 11 years behind us, we must the Tour into the modern era.” said Assistant to the Deputy Press Secretary of the Board of Directors, Monsignor Jacques du France.

With the rule change, organizers expect to see around one competitor make use of the unicycle, namely, Gerard L’tior, a French ex patriot now living in East Lansing, Michigan.  L’tior, the principle lobbyist who petitioned the board for the use of unicycles, suffers from an irrational fear of handlebars, making the use of traditional bicycles impossible.  After a lifetime of persecution, he left France in shame, and settled in East Lansing to begin his Rollin’ One campaign to bring unicycling to the world’s most prestigious cycling competition.  Unable to acquire an interpreter by news time, we’ve recorded L’tior’s statement as follows.  We ask our non-French-speaking readers to do their best to translate.

“Regardez, certaines personnes de changer le monde en nourrissant les affamés et des trucs comme ça. Nous ne pouvons pas tous être Mère Teresa, mais si je peux apporter monocyclistes disafected sur la scène mondiale, je pense que je me fais juste là-haut près de quelque chose comme ça.”

While this may indeed be a radical departure for the storied race, and time will only tell how this will affect the race, purists will find comfort in the petitions that the Board did not approve.  Among them, requests to allow motorcycles, single-engine airplanes, steam powered trikes, two man wheelbarrow racers, horse-drawn skateboards, and dragons.

  1. #1 by Scud Langley on October 21, 2011 - 5:02 pm

    I was unaware that the pope assigned the Assistant to the Deputy Press Secretary of the Board of Directors for the Tour De France. Either that or Monsignor Jacques du France moonlights as a board member when he’s not out priesting.

    Either way, there must be some investigation into this. I’m not sure if Catholic doctrine allows such behavior.

  2. #2 by Possibly Fake News on October 21, 2011 - 8:45 pm

    Wayne in the research department just got assigned to the mail room.

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