Archive for October, 2011

Scud Fan Mail: Episode 1

contributed by Scud Langley

 

Undisclosed National Forest – Since becoming a journalist for a nationally renowned news organization such as PFN News, I have received quite a bit of fan mail.  Most of these letters wind up in my incinerator before I read them and since my email account is set up to automatically delete emails with “yo dude” or “hey bro” in the subject, very little mail is ever processed.  However, as a favor to the PFNation, I have decided to post a few letters and emails that either slipped out of the incinerator before combustion or somehow got past my system of filters.  Without further adieu, here goes:

 Carl — Carlsbad, New Mexico:

I need your actual address so that I can come pick up that mountain lion mount.  I can’t enter”undisclosed location” into my GPS.  Would you please disclose your whereabouts?

The short answer to your request is “no”.  The somewhat longer answer is that if I were to disclose my whereabouts, not only could I no longer claim an “undisclosed national forest” as my residence, but I could also no longer receive tax breaks for “undisclosed farmland” that I allegedly use.

 

Rico — Providence, Rhode Island:

hey man i saw ur ad on cragslist for that mount of a mountain lion with a scimitar do u stil hav it i can offer u a crankshaft from a 78 cj5 jeep let me kno

 

Unfortunately for you, I already sold that mount to a gentleman from Carlsbad, New Mexico for an undisclosed sum and some goat shears.

 

Frank — Washington, D.C.:

Mr. Langley,

It has come to our attention that on your previous tax return, you filed for tax exemptions for feral livestock grazing land for six different states and two provinces in Canada as well as a farming exemption for a grain silo in Isla Nublar.  Not only are you not allowed to file for feral animal grazing land (much less for land outside the country), but Isla Nublar is just a fictional island from the book Jurassic Park.  These fraudulent exemptions have forced us to begin a formal investigation of your claims.

Please contact our office within the next 72 hours or a warrant for your arrest will be submitted.

 

Yes Frank, I agree that the new format for our website has made navigation somewhat easier.  And I’ll have to try that pheasant recipe when I get home.  

 

Sissy — Tupelo, Mississippi:

Hey Scud, what organizations are you a member of? 

P.S.  Why is that question worth $20 to you?

The list would be too long to print in such a short article, but the least secretive organizations include the East Lansing Falconry Club, NASA (North American Sniper Association), the Lockman Foundation, the Southeast Texas Fellowship of Sasquatch Enthusiasts United (not to be confused with the East Texas Reformed Bigfoot Association of America), the Willamette Valley Feral Pygmy Goat Association, Squirrel Hunters of America, the Louisiana Black Bear Habitat Rehabilitation Foundation, Save the Talons, and Pottery Barn.

 

Grant — Flint, Michigan:

Steve, I can’t tell you how big a fan I am of-

 

I pulled this letter out of one of our feral boer goats’ mouth, so most of it was eaten by the time I got to it.  I think what he was about to say was, “Steve, I can’t tell you how big a fan I am of Scud”.  I couldn’t agree more, Grant.

That’s all the letters I could find for today.  Keep sending me letters and I might even pick the best one and send them my copy of 1984 in Deutch signed by the Potentate of Lichtenfels Germany, Deiter Flammenstadt.

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Unicyclist Enters Tour De France

contributed by Steve Dbrockavitch

Paris, France — Tour De France watchers will notice something remarkably different about the race this year.  On Tuesday, board members agreed, by unanimous vote, to allow unicycles in the race.  In the 108 year history of the race, the Board has repeatedly kept at bay such efforts to revolutionize competitive cycling, “but with the dawn of a new century now 11 years behind us, we must the Tour into the modern era.” said Assistant to the Deputy Press Secretary of the Board of Directors, Monsignor Jacques du France.

With the rule change, organizers expect to see around one competitor make use of the unicycle, namely, Gerard L’tior, a French ex patriot now living in East Lansing, Michigan.  L’tior, the principle lobbyist who petitioned the board for the use of unicycles, suffers from an irrational fear of handlebars, making the use of traditional bicycles impossible.  After a lifetime of persecution, he left France in shame, and settled in East Lansing to begin his Rollin’ One campaign to bring unicycling to the world’s most prestigious cycling competition.  Unable to acquire an interpreter by news time, we’ve recorded L’tior’s statement as follows.  We ask our non-French-speaking readers to do their best to translate.

“Regardez, certaines personnes de changer le monde en nourrissant les affamés et des trucs comme ça. Nous ne pouvons pas tous être Mère Teresa, mais si je peux apporter monocyclistes disafected sur la scène mondiale, je pense que je me fais juste là-haut près de quelque chose comme ça.”

While this may indeed be a radical departure for the storied race, and time will only tell how this will affect the race, purists will find comfort in the petitions that the Board did not approve.  Among them, requests to allow motorcycles, single-engine airplanes, steam powered trikes, two man wheelbarrow racers, horse-drawn skateboards, and dragons.

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Student’s Answer Not Reaganesque, Fails Test

contributed by Scud Langley

Tennessee – Rarely does national news come from the small town of Dunlap Tennessee, but an uproar at the local junior high school has garnered widespread attention.

Dually Craig, a local 8th grade student was taking a history test on the presidents of the United States when an incorrect answer about Ronald Reagan raised concerns.  In the test, the question asked, “What was President Emeritus Ronald Reagan’s middle name?”  Instead of the correct answer “Wilson”, Dually wrote “William”.  While grading Dually’s test, the history teacher Mr. Sandlin noticed the egregious answer and immediately gave the student an F.  After discussing the matter with the principal, both agreed that expelling Dually from school for two weeks would be best for the community.

“This was more than just an incorrect answer on a test,” said Principal Feely, “Dually’s answer showed how morally degraded our youth have become and we can’t just let that slide.  President Reagan was and still is the greatest voice of pure American conservatism and Godly virtue to ever walk this earth, and I refuse to stand idly by while one of our very own slanders his good name.  We don’t put up with that kind of commie vitriol at Daniel Boone Junior High.  Not now, not ever.”

As Mr. Feely began to tear up, he was pressed for further comments.  His only reply was a shaky but confident, “God bless America, and God bless Ronald Reagan.”

When Dually’s parents were asked for their thoughts on the situation, his father Tim Craig replied with, “We raised our boy better than that, and I ain’t about to put up with no good-for-nothin’ left-wing thirteen-year-old.  If you ask me, he should have been expelled for a month for that kind of behavior.  But don’t you worry; durin’ his two weeks off, he’ll be shovellin’ cow turds while he thinks about what he did.”  Mr. Craig stated that until he goes back to school, Dually will be referred to as “Wilson”.

After hearing of the situation, national talk radio host Rick Lundy threw in his thoughts the next day on his program, “Don’t doubt me folks.  This kid’s rhetoric was a dangerous attempt to paint President Reagan as some kind of Bozo the Clown.  Karl Marx is probably giving him a big thumbs up from his grave.  Whatever punishment he got was too good for him.”

PFN News was unable and unwilling to speak with Dually about the issue.

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Front Porch Diplomacy

contributed by Steve Dbrockavitch

President elect Obama has announced a major shift in U.S. foreign policy. His first act as president will be to construct a “World Front Porch” in an attempt to bring about world peace. Speaking to the East Lansing Falconry Club Tuesday morning, Obama gave credit to his longtime friend and world renowned philosopher, Tracy Lawrence.

“Look, this may not be the solution, but it probably is. We may still have our problems, but at least we’d all be friends. I don’t think treating your neighbor like he’s your next of kin should be gone with the wind. And that’s change you can believe in.”

The new president has already scheduled the first meetings for the WFP, with Kim Jung Il and Hugo Chaves meeting in February for cussing and praying lessons and later in the year, David Cameron and Vladimir Putin for ice cream making, guitar lessons, and possibly the birth of some bulldog puppies.

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BREAKING NEWS: New Theme at PFN News

Broken Bow, OK — With the click of a mouse, PFN News contributor and webmaster Steve Dbrockavitch literally changed the face of our organization forever.  That’s right news fans, we’re proud to announce a new theme that will surely make us more culturally relevant, secure us from cyber and wolf attacks, and bring political stability to our organization, the likes of which we’ve not seen since the Carter administration.  Check it out.  Well, if you’re reading this you’ve probably already done so.

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Wii Wii All the Way Home

contributed by Steve Dbrockavitch

At a press conference today, Nintendo unveiled its latest offering for the popular Wii game console.  Wii, Wii will go on sale Friday, to the delight of gamers worldwide.  “We understand that playing games on our console can be stressful,” says spokesman Gerard Volftre, “So we’ve developed new technology to remove gamers even further from the real world.”

Wii, Wii will give players the opportunity to create avatars that play their favorite Wii games on screen for them, without the stress of actually playing the game.  On screen, the avatars will sit in a virtual living room playing virtual Wii games, and gamers will only interact with the screen to maintain bathroom and snack breaks for their avatars.  And if this level of involvement becomes too burdensome, players can switch to Wii Wii Wii mode, and have the on screen avatar play Wii Wii, and control the snack breaks of its own avatar.

At the Greater Landsing Chamber of Commerce Gaming Convention, I spoke with 40 year old gaming enthusiast and unemployed plasma donor, Henry “Link” Feomast.  After showing me his new social security card with his now legal name Link Feomast, Henry spoke about Wii Wii.

“After a long day of donating plasma, I always unwind with 14 or 15 hours of gaming.  But then I start getting really stressed and I’m like, ‘man I need a break.’  That’s when I usually have some EasyMac, work on my Zelda timeline mural, and go to sleep, but now with Wii Wii, I can finally escape the rat race.”

Feomast’s excitement over the new game was somewhat tempered by his “lack of Rupees.”  Apparently, the economy has been particularly hard on plasma donors and he won’t actually be able to purchase the game unless his application to the Federal Unemployed Plasma Donor Gaming Assistance Program is approved.

After playing the game myself, at one of the many kiosks provided by Nintendo at the convention, I couldn’t help but notice that this newest game smacked of a sequel.  I suspected Wii Wii Wii Wii would be coming soon, but I couldn’t get anyone from Nintendo to comment.

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