Born This Gray

contributed by Scud Langley
Salem, Oregon – Recently, wolves have been preying on livestock of Oregon ranchers, and many have threatened to begin killing the wolves despite their endangered nature.  A Salem rancher’s comment on the situation was misconstrued by the gay community and has caused a rift between Oregon ranchers and gay rights activists in the area.  When asked for his opinion on a Salem news station after wolves had attacked and killed several of his livestock, local rancher Scrat Duflin replied, “Look, I don’t care how protected they are.  I will shoot any gray wolves I see coming around my herd.  They are becoming a nuisance!”
Upon hearing these comments, the gay rights group, Gays Against Unnecessary Discrimination (or GAUD) quickly assembled in front of the rancher’s property to denounce Mr. Duflin’s words as hateful and to call for greater tolerance of gays.  The Salem news station who had interviewed the rancher was present to capture the chaos on camera.  Amidst a small crowd of local gays sporting signs and t-shirts protesting against violence against the gay community, Vance Stamptf, a local GAUD spokesperson had this to say to the news reporter:
“We understand that Mr. Duflin has to protect his livestock, but we will not tolerate any ranchers targeting gay wolves to solve the problem.  The fact that he feels threatened by gay wolves and feels the need to shoot them over the straight wolves is a sign of his bigotry and lack of tolerance.  GAUD is requesting a public apology from Mr. Duflin and we ask that he enroll in sexual preference sensitivity training at the local annex to educate himself on the struggles of gays worldwide, whether they be human or otherwise.  We also request that all of his firearms be confiscated due to his threat against homosexuals.”
When the reporter informed Mr. Stamptf that the rancher had said “gray wolves” and not “gay wolves”, the GAUD spokesperson stared blankly into the camera for a few moments before darting off-camera shouting, “Gray wolves were born that way!”.  The mob slowly dissolved in the background as the reporter wrapped up the special report.
Scrat Duflin’s only comment on the situation was, “I don’t care if they’re gay, straight, left-handed, epileptic, or Chinese.  I’m shootin’ those wolves on site if they get near my cattle!”
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