Archive for September, 2011

Born This Gray

contributed by Scud Langley
Salem, Oregon – Recently, wolves have been preying on livestock of Oregon ranchers, and many have threatened to begin killing the wolves despite their endangered nature.  A Salem rancher’s comment on the situation was misconstrued by the gay community and has caused a rift between Oregon ranchers and gay rights activists in the area.  When asked for his opinion on a Salem news station after wolves had attacked and killed several of his livestock, local rancher Scrat Duflin replied, “Look, I don’t care how protected they are.  I will shoot any gray wolves I see coming around my herd.  They are becoming a nuisance!”
Upon hearing these comments, the gay rights group, Gays Against Unnecessary Discrimination (or GAUD) quickly assembled in front of the rancher’s property to denounce Mr. Duflin’s words as hateful and to call for greater tolerance of gays.  The Salem news station who had interviewed the rancher was present to capture the chaos on camera.  Amidst a small crowd of local gays sporting signs and t-shirts protesting against violence against the gay community, Vance Stamptf, a local GAUD spokesperson had this to say to the news reporter:
“We understand that Mr. Duflin has to protect his livestock, but we will not tolerate any ranchers targeting gay wolves to solve the problem.  The fact that he feels threatened by gay wolves and feels the need to shoot them over the straight wolves is a sign of his bigotry and lack of tolerance.  GAUD is requesting a public apology from Mr. Duflin and we ask that he enroll in sexual preference sensitivity training at the local annex to educate himself on the struggles of gays worldwide, whether they be human or otherwise.  We also request that all of his firearms be confiscated due to his threat against homosexuals.”
When the reporter informed Mr. Stamptf that the rancher had said “gray wolves” and not “gay wolves”, the GAUD spokesperson stared blankly into the camera for a few moments before darting off-camera shouting, “Gray wolves were born that way!”.  The mob slowly dissolved in the background as the reporter wrapped up the special report.
Scrat Duflin’s only comment on the situation was, “I don’t care if they’re gay, straight, left-handed, epileptic, or Chinese.  I’m shootin’ those wolves on site if they get near my cattle!”

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Government Floods Nation With Distrust

contributed by Scud Langley
Nebraska – Conspiracy theories have not been uncommon throughout the history of man, and there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight of those who formulate extravagant explanations of unknown phenomena.  Few receive media attention, but those that raise serious concerns tend to grapple with the imagination of the public at large.
Such is the case for Cozad, Nebraska native, Webster “Gargoyle” Kurza.  Mr.
Kurza (by his own account) has discovered that major twentieth century floods
caused by dam failure in the United States were actually caused by the United
States Government.  Though the reasoning behind the government’s supposed
involvement in such disasters was never explained, Mr. Kurza posted the following statement on his website :
“Look, there is no question about this:  February 2, 1972 – Buffalo Creek in West Virginia, June 5, 1976 – Teton River in Idaho, and November 8, 1977 – Toccoa Creek in Georgia.  All were government con jobs.  If you think I’m making this up, just look at the numbers.  February 2, June 5, November 8; 8 + 5 + 2 =15.  1972, 1976, 1977; 7 + 6 + 2 = 15!!  There is no way that those numbers are just a coincidence.  And if you need more proof, the letters in Richard Nixon, Gerald Ford, and Jimmy Carter
(all presided over 1 ‘disaster’ each) can be rearranged to spell ‘jinx dam, flood man, chide terry craig’.  That only leaves rrr.  What does that stand for?  What else?  Radically Redefine Republic.  And if you have to ask who Terry Craig is, then you might as well just ask for your oat bag to be attached to your head and get back to plowing.  How long is it going to take before we wake up and smell the government corruption?  How many government cover-ups have to be exposed before the sheep in this country wake up?  Sure, we’d all like to believe that ‘storms’ cause ‘dam failure’ and ‘natural disasters’ can just ‘happen’, but that’s just not the truth.  Don’t believe everything ‘they’ tell you.”
A social network frenzy has been created with his theory, garnering the support of tens on Twitter, Facebook, Myspace, and even Xanga.  In his hometown, the Rhine County Sheriff’s Office has been flooded with accusations of suspicious activity around the dam area of the S.F. Gernheim Reservoir.  Sheriff Doug Goolsbee stated that in the past week his office has received upwards of 11 calls, which is twice the normal amount.
Mr. Kurza currently lives with his parents in government housing and is unemployed, having drawn unemployment and disability for the past 7 years due to his “slightly hyper colon”.  When his mother, Diane was contacted and asked to comment, she only sobbed quietly into the phone for 45 seconds before hanging up.  His father, Reese, was busy testing a local levee with a Geiger counter and could not be reached for comment.

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Wire Tapping, Tapping on Your Chamber Door

In light of recent controversies regarding illegitimate wire taps by certain unscrupulous news organizations, PFN News would like to disclose that all of our wire taps are installed by licensed technicians to ensure the highest quality. Furthermore, our Code of Journalistic Integrity states that “wire taps are never to be used, in any circumstance other than those in which information may be gained by said wire tap. Wire taps that do not yield information will not be tolerated.” Article 3.44(b).

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Bono v Bono

Steve Dbrockavitch

Los Angeles, CA — With the stroke of a pen, U2 frontman Bono made history today as the first person to ever file an intellectual property suit against himself.  Alleging that he invented the Vaguely Spiritual Social Anthem in 1989, filed under U.S. Patent 119822.4(c), he contends that he owes himself $3.75 million in royalties.

Representing the singer, attorney Milibrak Hurt, of the prestigious, Hurt, Farsely, Scamton, Dbrockavitch*, Neerwell, and Van de Fluur said Bono “pioneered his iconic sound and deserves credit and compensation when anyone, even himself, uses it without permission.  With this landmark case we hope to not only vindicate our client, but also set a precedent for artist in the future to protect their work from themselves.”

Speaking at a press conference, through an interpreter he said, “Look, the most important thing you can do is be true to yourself, and I wouldn’t be if I allow myself to fleece my own ideas.  What would Ghandi think?  It’s like a deep breath you know; peace, with handful of breadcrumbs and who even saw it coming.”

Although preliminary hearings have been held, depositions taken, and a court date set, sources from within the defense team say there are talks of a settlement.  The case may not go to court if Bono will agree to donate $3.75 million to teach self actualization to children in Nicaragua.

*no relation