Archive for July, 2011

‘Bama Budget Bloodletting

CONTRIBUTED BY SCUD LANGLEY

 

Birmingham, AL – A 200 billion dollar deficit was discovered by the Alabama Budget Committee towards the end of fiscal year 2011, and lawmakers have scrambled to come up with a budget agreement for 2012.  Public outcry has reached a fever pitch as several angry
letters and petitions have been sent to the capital demanding a decrease in
government spending.

Republicans were chided by Democrats for suggesting cuts
to the state program designed to prevent potatoes from winding up in vehicle
mufflers, also known as Potato-Exhaust Prevention and Total Obliteration, or
PEPTO.  Jerry Umbert, lead Democrat in the state senate cried foul
stating, “Look, we agree something has to be done about the budget, but we will
not allow these reckless Republicans to destroy children and the elderly by
demolishing a life-saving state program such as PEPTO!”

Republican Chance Freeley defended his party’s position
with his statement saying, “We can’t just throw this hotdog down the
hallway.  The people of Alabama want us to do something now.
We agree that this program is essential, but the Democrats are just using
PEPTO-dismal tactics to scare the public.  PEPTO is one of the main contributors
to our deficit.”

After weeks of debate, lawmakers emerged from the capital
declaring a deal had been made that would slash government spending and save
PEPTO.  All-in-all, senators stated that the 2012 fiscal year
budget had been cut by up to 18 dollars by cutting 12 dollars from PEPTO and 6
dollars from infrastructure spending.  Democrats declared that the
best decision was made for the youth of Alabama, considering that Republicans
were suggesting cuts of up to twice as much as was agreed on.
Republicans stated that the people of Alabama sent them to the capital to
stop government spending, and that goal had been accomplished.

Cuts of such an historic nature have been both lauded and
decried by the press.  Nonetheless, Republicans and Democrats have
both declared this budget agreement a victory and an example for future
lawmakers to follow.

Also of note; discretionary spending for the Alabama
government was increased by 67 million dollars by a unanimous vote during budget
talks.

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Group Pledges to not take Pledge Sitting Down

Contributed by Scud Langley

Washington – The Pledge of Allegiance is once again under fire as activists have called for the removal of language deemed offensive.  The International Governing Network for the Regulation of Terminology (IGNRT) has determined that the phrase “for which it stands” is offensive to handicapped people who are bedridden or confined to a wheelchair. Lead Consenting Chairperson, Constance Duvey-Morosovitch led a group of activists to march on city hall in Seattle and demand that the pledge be changed so that the offensive language would be removed.

“We are all Americans!” Ms. Duvey-Morosovitch shouted to the thirteen people standing below her at the base of the steps.  “We, the IGNRT will not stay by the wayside while wheelchair bound persons are berated daily through our dogmatic recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance.  When we say, ‘and to the republic for which it stands’, we are saying that standing is more important than love and acceptance.  Those who can’t stand are being excluded by our hate speech!  How am I supposed to explain to my two children, Strafer and Tolerance that reciting the Pledge is a means of publicly humiliating those who are less fortunate?  Our forepersons guaranteed in the Constitutions of Independence that nobody would ever be offended.  How can we honor that commitment with such hateful language in our very own Pledge of Allegiance?  We will do everything in our power to right this atrocity.  We are the IGNRT and we have a voice!”

As municipal workers entered and exited the building, they were met with jeers from IGNRT and demands to change the Pledge of Allegiance.  This activity continued until 6:30 PM when one of the secretaries from the front desk came out and informed the mob that Seattle city hall had no power to change national sayings or mottos.  The group then made their way over to the courthouse where they continued their protest until police were dispatched.

As of the writing of this report, six of the fourteen protestors were arrested for breaking and entering, larceny, assaulting a judge, arson, and public defecation.  Public officials refused to comment on the ordeal.

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Interview With Dbrockavitch

At PFN News, we are always interested in letting our readers know as much as possible about our correspondents.  To that end, here is the transcript from the employment interview with Steve Dbrockavitch.

PFN:  Hello Mr. Dbrockavitch.  Are you a communist?

Dbrockavitch:  No.

PFN:  Good.  Now, tell my why you only have one eye.  Is it because you love Che Guevara?

Dbrockavitch:   Well, I was running with scissors. 

PFN:  Oh, so you tripped and the hammer and scicle, I mean, scissors went through your eye? 
 

Dbrockavitch:  No, I was running with scissors, and I did trip, but the scissors missed my eyes and I landed softly in a stack of pillows on the sidewalk.  Some kids across the street were having a BB gun war and a rogue BB flew at my head and …

PFN:  Rogue huh?  So the Dear Leader put your eye outwith a BB?

Dbrockavitch:  No, if you’d shut up and let me finish you flame coon.  No, I ducked and the BB hit a guy behind me that was trying to steal a woman’s purse.  He fell to his knees in pain and the woman got her purse and held him captive with the scissors I had dropped earlier, and called the police.  I continued on my way to my friend’s house to practice with the needle-juggling troupe.  Well during practice that day, I had a lapse in my concentration and …

PFN:  A needle went through your eye?

Dbrockavitch:  For the love of all things, let me finish my story!  No, during one section of our routine, I juggle with one hand and play a Star Wars medley on the recorder with the other.  Now, for safety purposes, we always load our needles with a harmless substance before juggling.  That is, a muscle-relaxer/flu virus/testosterone mixture.  In a slight mental lapse, I did miss one of the needles but it reflected off my pocket protector and flew toward the sidewalk where it struck the purse snatcher from before, who was at this point, at full sprint, three steps ahead of pursuing officers. This left the would-be thief in an optimal state of submission.  As the police loaded the runny-nosed invalid into the cruiser, he tried his best, with his useless facial muscles, to make a crude comment about one of the female officers.  At this point I decided the best thing for me to do was go home and throw some bicycle spokes around with my brother, I had taken too many chances for the day.  Well, on my way home a wild cat jumped down and ambushed me from a tree.  With the accuracy of a laser guided missile, he made a beeline for my left eye and scratched furiously until my eye was in a state of ruin.  I finally managed to remove him from my face before he proceeded to the next eye.  I found out later that he landed on the roof of the police car carrying the purse thief and rode all the way to the station where he attacked the prisoner as they took him out of the car.

PFN:  So that’s how you lost the eye?  Or did you divide it into equal parts and share it with your commrades?

Dbrockavitch:  No, I went to the hospital and they installed a donor eye from a giraffe.  The next day, I met a harmless looking stranger who offered me a piece of candy which I readily accepted, thinking he should celebrate my new eye installation.  Unfortunately, the candy had been coated with a combination muscle-relaxer/flu virus/testosterone solution.  I fell to the ground, helpless and a gang of Russian mobsters who specialized in black-market animal trade, walked by and spotted my new giraffe eye.  They snatched it from my face and sold it to an Indian mobster for 98.22  million rupees, or $1.29; honor among thieves I suppose. 

PFN:  Fascinating.  One more question Mr. Dbrockavitch.  How many times have you written in Chuck Norris’s name for president?

Dbrockavitch:  I’ll answer that with another question.  How many people have died from a roundhouse kick to the face?

PFN:  We’ll have our people call you people right now and see when you can start.

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Cockfighting Goes Mainstream

Contributed by Steve Dbrockavitch

Mexico City — An age-old, underground pastime is getting a face lift.  Having long been the delight of mob types, drifters, bookies, and countless other ne’er-do-well, cockfighting will soon go mainstream.  Officials in Mexico acted this week to clean up the controversial, if not generally despised sport.  The new law, known as the Gallos Ayudar a Conquistar el Mundo Act, introduces new practices and procedures that are aimed at bringing the sport out of the dark ages.

Under GACMA, protective padding will be placed on the claws and beak of each bird and matches will be decided on a point system modeled after the official Olympic Tae Kwon Do rules.  Only free-range roosters, free of steroids and falcon hormones, will be eligible for competition, and will be divided into three weight classes: stout, semi-stout, and ruddy.  In addition, bookies will no longer be able to accept wagers paid in cars, firearms, stolen jewelry, or beatings, and sale and consumption of malt liquor will  be strictly forbidden.

I visited one of these newly sanctioned matches and spoke with one of the trainers known as Diego Slice:

  “Well, I guess some of the purity of the sport is lost.  I mean, we’re really gonna miss our smoke-filled warehouses and bloody carcasses and stuff like that, but we’re also really tired of being shunned by the public.  We’re not bad people, we just like to watch chickens kill each other and beat people up and stuff like that, that’s all.  We’re just glad cockfighting will finally get the respect it deserves.”

Our conversation was interrupted by a whistle blow, Deigo’s rooster, Aspiradora, scored the match point with a back-wing to the temple.  Overjoyed, Deigo rushed into the ring, punched the referee, fired a pistol into the air, and fed the losing rooster to a waiting pit bull.  There is clearly still room for improvement, but Rome wasn’t built in a day.  But if it had been, and there had been roosters around, and some firearms, and a shipping container, someone would have wanted to see if they would fight each other to the death; it’s just human nature.

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