Senator “Guns Don’t Kill People, Hurricanes Do”

Contributed by Correspondent Scud Langley

Washington, D.C. – Recently, PFN News was able to sit down with Delaware senator Edward Swordson to discuss his newly proposed legislation.  Swordson has been a senator for the 19th district for over 20 years and has often passionately and sometimes emotionally brought forth controversial bills that include regulation and taxation on things such as soup, lumberjacks, barns, children, and phantom of the opera masks.  Despite his controversial track record and emotional streak, Swordson claims that his new bill is a no-brainer and that lawmakers from both sides of the aisle can get behind it.  PFN News was the first (and possibly only) organization to discuss the details with the senator:

PFN:  Ed, in your most recent press release, you stated that you will soon be bringing forth some new legislation.  Would you like to provide the details?

Swordson:  Well, Scud, I’m a staunch Constitutionalist, which brings me to my next point.  Over half of all gun violence is caused by guns.  I know that now because I looked it up on Wikipedia on my iPad.  However, guns don’t kill people, hurricanes do.  Which is why I would push for regulation on hurricanes.  We can’t just let them do whatever they want and harm our economy.  Jobs!  It will be called The Protective Job and Hurricane Deprivatization Act.  The longer we let the private sector dictate how hurricanes operate, the higher unemployment will be.

PFN:  So you would push for regulation on hurricanes?

Swordson:  Absolutely, Scud.  Do you know how much hurricane damage is caused to the job sector by hurricanes?

PFN:  I’m guessing 100%?

Swordson:  That’s right, Scud, 62.43%.  Thanks to the iPad, we know this.  Blue collar America is in dire straits right now and as long as we allow these hurricanes to take their money, there’s no way we can get over the bumps in the road and get on the fast track to prosperity.  We saw how “President” Bush was able to single-handedly destroy the economy with hurricanes during his tenure.  Do we really want to allow unregulated hurricanes again?  I think they need to start paying their fair share.

PFN:  You are also including a provision in the bill to include sanctions on falcons.  It is widely known that falconry enthusiasts make up .000856% of the American public.  Would you like to explain these sanctions to this large voting base?

Swordson:  Well, Scud, the fact of the matter is that almost 72% of all hurricane related falcon deaths are caused by falcons.  We can’t just turn a blind eye to the 72 falcons killed by hurricanes or vice-versa.  Especially not since I just Tweeted that statement on my iPad.  I refuse to continue playing games with middle class America any more since we are fighting a war against hurricanes and/or falcons now.

Mr. Swordson is expected to propose his legislation before the senate this week.

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  1. #1 by Pudge Henley on June 30, 2011 - 12:45 pm

    Dear Editor,

    I have a story which may be of interest to your readers. It is not exactly news, nor is it in any way fake, but the article, entitled “Cats and Inmates” describes my research with pool acid. If you are interested, just twitter me.

    • #2 by Possibly Fake News on July 2, 2011 - 11:55 am

      If you’re referring to the 1995 Cat-gate incident at the Chavalas Island unit off of the coast of Maine, we’ve already covered it. However, turns out it was a hoax and we were forced to remove it from our archives.

    • #3 by scudlangley on July 3, 2011 - 5:23 pm

      While your spirit is appreciated, I must implore you to stay on task. This section is designated for commentary on the above article, and I see nothing in your comment about politics, senators, hurricanes, falcons, bears, or local colloquialisms. Please send off-topic requests and recipes to the editor’s email address.

      Scud

    • #4 by scudlangley on July 3, 2011 - 6:08 pm

      By the way, if you happen to be in any way related to Eagles drummer Don Henley, an autograph would be appreciated.

  2. #5 by Turd Ferguson on June 30, 2011 - 9:45 pm

    Curse those hurricanes.

  3. #6 by Evan Stabetsy on July 1, 2011 - 9:25 am

    Didn’t they use a missile to blow up a potentially devastating hurricane in a movie one time? I’ve seen weapons save lives. Hurricanes can’t give life, they can only take it away. Hurricanes, HUH! What are they good for? Absolutely nothing.

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