Archive for June, 2011

Editor’s Note

Dear Faithful Reader,

As a news organization, we at PFN News are dedicated to bringing you the latest and most relevant news coverage for your brain.  We scour the globe in search of anything the “mainstream” “media” may have “missed” and endeavor to bring it to you clean, and free of bias.  And speaking of things “missed” by the other news providers, perhaps you, or someone you know, or your insurance agent, or your cat, knows of a person or blog that you think might be featured in a PFN News report, let us know.  We like to report on the little people, plus your insurance agent might get a kick out of it.  Send emails to: nineturtles@yahoo.com Read the rest of this entry »

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Senator “Guns Don’t Kill People, Hurricanes Do”

Contributed by Correspondent Scud Langley

Washington, D.C. – Recently, PFN News was able to sit down with Delaware senator Edward Swordson to discuss his newly proposed legislation.  Swordson has been a senator for the 19th district for over 20 years and has often passionately and sometimes emotionally brought forth controversial bills that include regulation and taxation on things such as soup, lumberjacks, barns, children, and phantom of the opera masks.  Despite his controversial track record and emotional streak, Swordson claims that his new bill is a no-brainer and that lawmakers from both sides of the aisle can get behind it.  PFN News was the first (and possibly only) organization to discuss the details with the senator:

PFN:  Ed, in your most recent press release, you stated that you will soon be bringing forth some new legislation.  Would you like to provide the details?

Swordson:  Well, Scud, I’m a staunch Constitutionalist, which brings me to my next point.  Over half of all gun violence is caused by guns.  I know that now because I looked it up on Wikipedia on my iPad.  However, guns don’t kill people, hurricanes do.  Which is why I would push for regulation on hurricanes.  We can’t just let them do whatever they want and harm our economy.  Jobs!  It will be called The Protective Job and Hurricane Deprivatization Act.  The longer we let the private sector dictate how hurricanes operate, the higher unemployment will be.

PFN:  So you would push for regulation on hurricanes?

Swordson:  Absolutely, Scud.  Do you know how much hurricane damage is caused to the job sector by hurricanes?

PFN:  I’m guessing 100%?

Swordson:  That’s right, Scud, 62.43%.  Thanks to the iPad, we know this.  Blue collar America is in dire straits right now and as long as we allow these hurricanes to take their money, there’s no way we can get over the bumps in the road and get on the fast track to prosperity.  We saw how “President” Bush was able to single-handedly destroy the economy with hurricanes during his tenure.  Do we really want to allow unregulated hurricanes again?  I think they need to start paying their fair share.

PFN:  You are also including a provision in the bill to include sanctions on falcons.  It is widely known that falconry enthusiasts make up .000856% of the American public.  Would you like to explain these sanctions to this large voting base?

Swordson:  Well, Scud, the fact of the matter is that almost 72% of all hurricane related falcon deaths are caused by falcons.  We can’t just turn a blind eye to the 72 falcons killed by hurricanes or vice-versa.  Especially not since I just Tweeted that statement on my iPad.  I refuse to continue playing games with middle class America any more since we are fighting a war against hurricanes and/or falcons now.

Mr. Swordson is expected to propose his legislation before the senate this week.

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Rave Reviews

Still not a subscriber?  Don’t take our word for it,  see what the critics are saying about PFN News:

“I like the font!” The East Landsing Falconry Club Newsletter

“The rumor is true, if you read this blog, everyone you know will give you a tater.” — makintaterscount.com

“Dbrockavitch is our favorite son.” — Czech Cultural Society of Nevada: The Magazine

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a puff pastry?  I don’t know but if you don’t read this blog I’ll punch you in the deltoids!” — Donald L. Schnoltin, interem president of the Upper Red River Delta Indian Leg-wrestling Club.

“If you strike me down now, I shall become more powerful than you can ever imagine.” — Obi wan kenobi

“I read it every day and I never get carpal tunel syndrome, not even once!” — The Loch Ness Monster

The critics don’t lie, make your subscription today!

 

 

 

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Feral Cats Lay Eggs

Contributed by Steve Dbrockavitch

Terrebonne Parish, LA — “Everything we thought we knew about feral cats is wrong.”  Says Dr. Salvage Earheart, biologist with the Center for Feral Cat Research and Conservation (CFCRC).  After a ten year study of the animals living in a swamp in southern Louisiana, textbooks will, no doubt, be re-written.

In 2001, Dr. Earheart and his team released 2000 domesticated cats into a remote swamp in Terrebonne Parish to study the effects of feralization, and document any adaptations, or lack thereof, that should occur.  Dr. Earheart explains:

“While we did not find any of our original herd, except in the stomach contents of a few alligators, actually we found no trace of the animals at all.  Then we realized that they had evolved so drastically that they were sitting right in front of us and we didn’t even know it; we had literally tripped over them in search of the cats.  Over the course of 12 or 13 generations, they have adapted remarkably well to their new habitat, sloughing off their fur in favor of a sleek, amphibian-like skin, developing webbed feet and elongated hind legs which they use to catapult themselves about, even adjusting to the available food sources in a diet of insects which they catch with an elastic-like tongue.  In fact, they went as far as changing their reproductive method from live, mammalian birth, to egg depositing and fertilization.  Remarkable, simply unprecedented in the field of evolution.”

When asked about the lack of transitional remains on the path to their new special-hood, Dr. Earheart replied, “Look, we know that we released 2000 cats into the wild, came back after ten years and found a thriving population of what we have now named felis reptans orientalis glabra.  What other explanation could there be?

Full disclosure notice:  PFN contributor Scud Langley is also owner/operator of La Mesa Negra Feral Cat Ranch in Crescent Shadow, New Mexico.

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Correction

Occasionally in the hard-hitting, fast-breaking, no-nonsense world of professional journalism, there are mistakes, and it seems we at PFN News have committed one of these rare errors.

We recently learned that we have been publishing the work of correspondent Scoot McD under the wrong name.  Upon review of our personnel files, we found that we have on file, an application for an out-of-state feral goat permit for Mr. McD.  “For obvious reasons,” says Scoot, he always conducts his agricultural business under an assumed name, and he mistakenly sent the Wyoming Feral Goat Registrar (WFGR) his actual employment application under his legal name, Trevor Winfield “Scud” Langley III.

While we at PFN News found the skills and experience in animal husbandry, and adequate land ownership of one Mr. Scoot McD, perfectly suited him for the role as news correspondent.  Unfortunately, the WFGR has concluded that Mr. Langley’s landmark coverage of the Tsi Tsi Rebellion, the Libertarian movement in Quebec, and the Honduran parvo outbreak of 1992, did not qualify him to operate a feral goat ranch.

While we are happy to have Mr. Langley on our team, we regret the decision of the WFGR, and are assisting him in the appeal process.  We will publish his work henceforth under the name Scud Langley, and correct all previous postings.

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New Take on Being a Has-Been

Contributor Scoot McD Scud Langely

New York – A new sensation has made his way into the pop world recently and his recent surge is causing equal parts hysteria and confusion.  Kinny Laughins showed up at the MTV music awards sporting a brown leather jacket, tight faded Levi jeans, coiffed hair, and a neat beard.  All in attendance immediately began making comparisons between him and ’80s movie soundtrack regular Kenny Loggins.

Matters were only made worse by the wunderkind’s debut on Top 40 radio with his first hit, “Fancy Free” which seemed to draw heavily from Loggins’ own hit, “Footloose”.  If the similar sounding guitar riffs and hand claps were not enough to draw the ire of the music industry, the chorus seems to only be a rework of the original.  In it, Laughins sings, “Gi-gi-gotta get free, fancy-free.  Get up off of your knees”.

When asked about these comparisons, Laughins removed his aviator sunglasses and replied,

“Look, I had never even heard of this ‘Kenny Loggins’ before the media started asking me about him.  And as far as the similarities go, I really don’t see them.  Sure, both of our hits are amazingly popular, but other than that, I can’t make any other comparisons.  Sounds to me like an old has-been’s attempt at latching onto some new blood’s fame and fortune.  I write all of my own songs in the seclusion of an F16 Tomcat so that I have no distractions.  Everyone will see that I’m an original artist once my new hit, “Hazard Ward” hits radios next month.”

The jury is still out on whether or not Laughins is an original or just a carbon copy of his namesake.  Only time will tell.

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Naturalist Fails to Assimilate Into Bear Culture

Contributed by Scoot McD Scud Langley

South Dakota – Naturalist Riley Jorgensen was found dead on August 21st, 2007 after being reported missing the day before when he hadn’t returned from his journey into bear country of western South Dakota.  Friends say that he was attempting a Jane Goodall type documentary on the behavior of brown bears and their benevolence towards strangers.

Jorgensen had already become widely known for his first documentary, “To Tickle a Mountain Lion” during which he had to be rushed to the emergency room 18 times for severe lacerations, a few of which led to the amputation of his left hand.  The video was said to be too graphic to play on Discovery Channel due to the repeated mountain lion attacks.

Jorgensen had spent 2 years of his life and several thousand dollars studying brown bear behavior and was almost obsessive according to acquaintances.  He had even attempted hibernation which led to him sleeping for about 10 days and almost starving to death before being rushed to the hospital.  Despite the intensive study, however, he didn’t last long amidst his bear brethren.  The following journal entry was found in a mangled notebook amongst Jorgensen’s remains 3 miles from his last reported location.

August 13th, 2007
I have begun the challenge of integrating myself into the brown bear’s culture.  Tomorrow morning, I will attempt to befriend one of the cubs (who I have named Rutherford B. Hayes) with some roughhousing.

This was the first and only entry into his journal.

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