Contributed by Scud Langley
Clandestine, Ohio – With all of the chaos that has erupted around the country recently, many politicians have attempted to speak of unity and togetherness and have taken every opportunity to denounce rhetoric that they say is “harsh” and “divisive”. In toning down this destructive rhetoric, they believe they can unite the country and usher in an era of peace and tolerance.
While at a campaign stop for local and statewide candidates in Clandestine, Ohio, the President offered up his thoughts on the matter:
“Look, there’s no doubt that folks are angry right now and there is a lot of built up frustration and I believe we all have some responsibility here. Tensions are high and we have to do everything we can to bring healing and unity to our communities. That’s why I am asking for lawmakers and presidential candidates on both sides of the aisle to tone down their rhetoric and to look for ways to bring unity instead of divisiveness… (applause)… Unfortunately, however, this kind of divisiveness tends to come from one side of the aisle more than the other. Look, when folks from the other side of the aisle spend more time attacking me and their political opponents and spewing hatred than they do talking about unity, we all suffer… (applause)… They don’t have a plan! They don’t have a plan to move us forward because their bigotry blinds their thought process. That kind of thinking will never bring unity. That will only move us backwards towards restrictive policies like Jim Crow. But from the sounds of things, that’s something they would support… (boos)… I know. I know… I would love for us to be able to talk about love and unity and common ground but that’s impossible when all they can do is insult their opponents, trash their ideas, and inspire hatred. How can we be a unified country when there are so many bigots and carnival barkers from the other party who do nothing more than name-call and incite fear? That kind of extremism is more dangerous than terrorism in some cases!”
The president spent the next hour speaking about how bigoted politicians on the right use hateful rhetoric as a distraction from the real issues.
Contributed by Scud Langley
Cleveland, OH – In a lesser covered event last week at the Republican National Convention, presidential nominee Donald Trump implemented a fairly unconventional method of weeding out attendees who were not behind him 100%.
As Mr. Trump walked onto the stage with the aid of a fog machine, he pressed a button on the podium that opened a sliding panel on the wall behind him that revealed what looked like a large furnace with golden inlays. As the applause began to die down, Mr. Trump addressed the crowd and said,
“Now that I have accepted the nomination for president of the United States, we have to unite to defeat Crooked Hillary (TM)!… (applause)… However, frankly there are some Republicans out there who have not been treating me very fairly ok? I’ve heard that there are some losers who would rather vote for some failed career politician instead of me… (boos)… I know… I know… That’s no way to win, so here’s what we’re gonna do: I had this magnificent furnace built by some wonderful people and let me tell you, it’s really terrific. We will ask everyone to pledge loyalty to the campaign and whoever decides they still don’t want to be loyal to us, which would not be very smart, will be escorted into the furnace… (applause)… Thank you… Thank you… We’re gonna win, that I can tell you!”
There were no reported attendees thrown into the furnace towards the end of the convention, but after Senator Ted Cruz spoke and refused to offer a full-throated endorsement of the Trump campaign, a few large men in black suits came up and began escorting him towards the furnace. Though it is unclear exactly how, Senator Cruz managed to survive the ordeal. Some witnesses claim that they saw something like a son of man standing next to Cruz as he began to walk into the furnace but these reports have been unverified as of the writing of this article.
Contributed by Scud Langley
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania – Though the debate about gun rights in the United States seems to be a recent phenomenon, new evidence has shown that there has been disagreement about the 2nd amendment from the very beginning. Though many of the founders often wrote in supportive terms of the right of the people to keep and bear arms, a recent discovery in Wayne, Pennsylvania, which is just outside of Philadelphia, has given new insight into the debate that was waged even when the Bill of Rights was first being considered.
Local man Jim Hollaway was digging through his shed and found an old box that contained pieces of several letters written in fine script that were close to crumbling. Not sure what they were, he took them to an antique shop to have them evaluated and discovered that they were dated to around 1782-1783 and were contributed to a man named Anson Tremble. Though the letters were not fully intact, it was clear through several sections that Mr. Tremble was no fan of the proposed 2nd amendment and was quite forceful in his desire to see it eliminated. An intended recipient could not be found as the letters were somewhat ragged, but an excerpt from one of the partial sections reads:
“… and though it may be incumbent upon me to voice my displeasure of the proposal, I shall not but present several unquestionable points that should be taken into consideration before ratification is to be presented, and furthermore, I shall not be silen[ced] in this endeavour. That any man would or should need such an arm as the British Land Pattern [Mus]ket (what we now know as “Brown Bess”) is beyond reasonabal [sic] and should not be taken in a serious manner, as this device… [and] is no more than a killing [machine] designed for the sole purpose of taking away the life of man. The .75 caliber ball which fires forth from the muzzle is a horrendous piece of artill[ery] and is capable of more than incapacitating anything in its path. This is not the weapon of an husbandman intent on defending his flock… It is true that I have taken up the arm and have fired it upon an open field and I shall say without any shame to my honour that [the] explosion that proceeded forth was deafening, the spark and flash that shot out from the contact of the flint to the frizzen was disorienting and unsettling, and the pain and numbness caused to my shoulder from the stock slamming backwards after the discharge has yet to begin healing. The bellowing smoke that lingered from that awful black power was caught up in my lungs after the shot and I dare say that I may never brea[th] the same again… No, this is no hunting weapon and should not be [con]sidered…”
Though it has been difficult to nail down just how much influence Mr. Tremble held in the debate and who his intellectual peers were, a single reference to a “Mr. Anson” as a “gormless nancy-boy” was found amongst the journal entries of Josiah Bartlett, one of the signers of the Declaration of Independence, but it is unclear if this is a direct reference to Anson Tremble. Nevertheless, this finding has managed to shed a little more light on the debate that has seemingly raged on since the dawning of the Bill of Rights.
Contributed by Scud Langley
Washington D.C. – On Friday, the Food and Drug Administration released a statement concerning language standards in their labeling practices in response to the changing social tides since the coming out party of the former Bruce Jenner. Though food labels and descriptions have rarely been the cause of controversy, the FDA has decided that it will no longer refer to trans fats as “trans” fats. In a press conference explaining the recent change, spokesman Donald Murskey had this to say:
“Look, we all know that words and labels can have not only a harmful effect on the margins of society, but can also contribute to insensitivity on the part of those who have no idea that their callous use of language can lead to the “otherism” of… others. Since we know that in the past, we have unwittingly played a small part in this barbarism, we at the Food and Drug Administration have decided that the term “trans fats” brings with it a negative stigma that we do not wish to carry over to the trans-movement at large. As such, effective Monday, any and all labels and descriptions containing the words “trans fats” will be replaced with an as-yet-to-be-determined description that we feel will more accurately describe the fats without ostracizing a very very large portion of our communities. We will also begin the arduous task of combing through any and all past references to this lipid and will begin scrubbing the now hateful words from memory for the sake of our future. We just want to make sure we’re on the right side of history on this, and since we will be effectively changing history, there will only be 1 side anyway so it’s a win-win.”
The descriptions that are currently in the running to replace “trans fats” are currently “negative fats”, “sad fats”, and simply “fatty acids”. Since the publication of these choices, however, some uproar has arisen from the slam poetry community, the gothic community, and the plus size community who believe that these new descriptions could possibly bring with them some negative connotations towards their movements as well. Several petitions have been brought forth on change.org and small protests have been formed in various cities in response to these new descriptions.
As of publication, no decision has been made on which description will be used moving forward and a simple solution does not look to be in sight.
The North American Soothsayers Union released a statement today in response to a wrongful death suit, filed by the Ternbauer family, that of an Ohio woman who fell victim to a murderous conspiracy in March. Local attorney Jacob W. Gernstwald, gave a statement from the courthouse steps, saying he had ample evidence that Mrs. Ternbauer “was being completely ware on March 15th, on advice from the NASU. However, having not been warned about March 16th, she was not being ware on the following day, and consequently fell victim to the host of conspirators. We find this gross negligence on the part of the NASU to be unacceptable. Had they said sooth about more than just one day, Mrs. Ternbauer might still be with us today.
While declining to comment on the specifics of ongoing litigation, NASU spokesperson Janet Behrman did say that, implicit in her organization’s message, has always been the extension of ware being to include a reasonable margin of error. “Experience has shown us,” she explained, “That the vast majority of people who hear sooth, are ware for several days surrounding the Ides, and this same vast majority was not in fact, murdered this year – a testament to the effectiveness of our members if there ever was one. While it would be regrettable for a warned person to fall victim on March 16th, it is within the margin of error.”
Despite those strong words from the Union, sources reported the official statement on the NASU website to read, “Beware.”
CHALTSWATER, OK – On most days, the town of Chaltswater is a quiet place where not much happens. Moms go to grocery stores, old men go to the barber shop, kids skip school to steal chickens to sell on the black market – your usual small town fare. But once a year, thousands of people descend on this sleepy little town to participate in the world championship tournament, of the fastest growing sport in south east Oklahoma. If you’re thinking soccer, or table tennis, think again. If you’re in Chaltswater on the first weekend after the second Tuesday in April, you’d better bring some leather gloves and Neosporin, because you’re in Broglass world.
From its humble beginnings in the junkyards and landfills of the Arklatex area, competitive broken glass picking has swept the tri-state area like a prairie dust storm. For the uninitiated, Broglass is a timed event, in which contestants collect as much as they can in sixty seconds, of various glass vessels, which have been dropped from a height of six, eight, or twelve feet, depending on the class. Contestants are assigned a vessel at random through a lottery system. Whiskey bottles and Mason jars are common, with the occasional interior home lighting globe, hand mirror, or analog TV screen. Once the item has been weighed, it is dropped by an official on a step ladder, form a pre-determined height, again depending on class. As soon as the glass hits the ground, the fuse on a pop rocket is lit, giving the contestant only about five seconds to survey the shatter spread before the pop signals the start of the one minute he will have to collect the broken pieces. At the end of one minute, collection stops, the collection is weighed, and a score calculated based on the percentage of the original weight collected, and the difficulty of the spread, and size of pieces collected, with higher scores given for a wider spread, and smaller pieces, respectively.
I spoke with Doyle Miller, a local truck driver, and this year’s gold medal winner in the twelve foot class. He could barely contain his excitement, gesturing wildly with his slightly bloodied hands.
“Well I tell you what, when I drew that Maker’s Mark bottle, I had a good feelin. They usually make about a ten foot shatter with plenty of them little-tinys so you can really rack up on the points. Fact bui’ness, only a redhand¹ could loose with a Maker’s Mark, so I knew I was gonna do good. But then she didn’t shatter like usual, it was kindly more like a dad-gum forty-ounce malt liquor, and it don’t git no worse’n that. But when I heard that pop, I knew there weren’t nothing left but the pickin, so I just took off like a scalded dawg. Hey, all I know is, when that timer went off, I had my lucky tube sock stuffed, son she was about to come loose.”
As we were speaking though, a little of the dark side of the sport was revealed. A fight had broken out as the results of the six foot class were being announced. There were accusations that Gloveco, a local manufacturer of protective hand gear, had unduely influenced the judges in favor of their team, a member of which had won. A flip-flop clad, middle-aged woman known as “Wandalee” was leading an angry mob, armed with anything dangerous that was readily available; which in this case, unfortunately consisted of, as you can imagine, broken shards of glass.
Doyle said we’d have to catch up later, and he called for “Baby Doyle,” his mulleted eight-year-old son, who brought a tube sock full of broken glass for each of them. As they headed for the rumble, Baby Doyle stopped, turned around, and offered me his sock. “Mister, you can come git some of this if you want. Mama always says we gotta share.” I declined, but this small gesture of kindness definitely warmed my heart to this sport and its people, and I will never forget it.
East Lansing, MI – A bank heist was pulled off on Tuesday using only the power of the animal kingdom. A man reportedly walked into the Third Bank and Trust in the five hundred block of Taft Avenue in East Lansing, with a blinded falcon on his forearm, and demanded that the clerk give him the contents of three specific safe deposit boxes, registered to Peter Pan, Archie Bunker, and Linus van Pelt, respectively.
According to the clerk, a Ms. Abigail Cartwright, when she asked to see some identification, the unmasked man said, “I think this will suffice” gesturing to the falcon. Then, when she tried to call a manager to see what the bank’s policy on using birds of prey as identification, the robber reached over the counter, took the phone out of her hand, and began to make threats. As recounted by Ms. Cartwright, and confirmed by surveillance video, the alleged thief launched into a soliloquy, in which he threatened to, “release the unfettered fury of this mighty beast on the very soul of this establishment.” Which fury, he said, would, “render this building into a pile of rubble indistinguishable from any pile of rubble anywhere in the world, and you will find yourselves in solidarity with men and women weeping over those piles of rubble, as you weep over this one. Some of you may be familiar with the capacity of the Peregrine Falcon’s ability to raze a building before you can remember if the moon will be waxing or waning this evening, but I’ll wager most of you are not so familiar as you shall soon be. As you look on in disbelief, in horror, indeed possibly even in macabre fascination, this fell beast will tear at the fabric of this structure in such a way that it’s designer will feel a pain in his bowels. This bird will ensure that I get satisfaction, I will exact my pound of flesh.”
As he was speaking, someone returned from the back with the boxes, each of which apparently containing exactly one third of a pound of raw ground Emu. The man then swept the contents of the boxes into a canvas bag labeled, “Luncheon Meat,” bid everyone in the room a “good eve,” and walked out, calmly fleeing the scene in a renovated school bus.
Police have asked if anyone has any information on the whereabouts of Peter Pan, Archie Bunker, or Linus van Pelt, to contact the CRIME TIPS line.
*As of press time, it could not be confirmed where PFN correspondent Scud Langley had lunch on Tuesday.